10/24/2023

She tells me with her 40 years of experience my mom is one of the worst she's known

I noticed the reflex of wanting to defend her

She's sick, yes

But that's only an explanation no longer a justification

She notes my experiences are compounded and traumatic

Unique experiences only leading to a unique result

But aren't we all?

This is brought up because of this stupid pink movie

A movie I didn't even care to see

The annoyance is my resistance to yet another way I have to confront this.. thing

The thing about being different

The thing about being alone and not relating

Today I'm tired

There isn't enough in me to fight that reality

So I acknowledge the sadness

The reality of being surrounded by people but often feeling so utterly alone

I tell her I'm seeking peers

She reassures me they're somewhere around here

But a majority live off 5th and San Pedro

So it's just going to be harder to find now

She tells me it's not impossible

And that I am proof of that

Yet this statement isn't comforting

And maybe it's not meant to be

I'm seeking comfort in something that's never been nor will be comfortable

Often I feel the only difference is I’ve learned to hide my mess

Unless you watch closely, you’ll miss me

Prior to this I spoke with my other therapist

The loudest statement playing over in my head is about my contribution

Just because my experience isn’t the experience of most

Does not undervalue it

My experience can be of contribution if shared

It sticks with me because I think this sums up my internal conflict

How do I balance my existence with the loud backdrop of my history?

So I’m not lost in all the noise

I’m not interested in being the poster child for these types of stories