10/5/2023
“What if I never get my love reciprocated
Born to be the one
Forced to be, the one that never actually dated
And I think I’m a broken record
That every time that I flip
There is no other side
Just some smart ass funny quip
That doesn’t show how upset I am about it
I’m not funny
It’s just a trauma response
What if all I’m gifted
Is somebody’s half hearted nonchalance
I don’t feel rejected
I feel ugly
I feel like I’m not enough
I feel like no matter what happens
I have to suck it up
And be tough
That the grades are never perfect
The photos are never good
That I keep trying to love myself
Just to convince myself that
Somebody else actually could
And the better I get
Sometimes the worse that I feel
Because what if I never get to your
Expectation of what it means to full heal
And I just keep getting older
And each year
It feels like a heavier weight
I keep distracting myself with other hobbies
Like love is an appetite to satiate
I’m not sad about it
I’m just disappointed that I’m still not there
Do you think people feel it
When you include them in a prayer?
What if I never know it?
Not truly
The nausea ensues
If love is an alarm
Why do they just keep hitting snooze?
Because isn’t the dream worth living?
What if I never get…
To know the reality,
Of who I could of met?”
CC
9/20/2024
I did not survive what I survived
to simply be grateful…
When I look at him
I remember all that matters
—————
You’ve changed my life since the day you were born
Without you, I wouldn’t be the women I am today
You challenged me in ways no one else could
It took all of me to give you all my good
Believe me when I say it was so much to sort through
All I have ever wanted was for you to be loved
To be seen and supported, just as you are
To be a kid…
People always tell me I don’t know what it’s like
To be a mother…
To worry every day about how the world treats the best part of you
And I can’t say whether that‘s right or wrong
But you taught me to be a mother…
It has been the greatest privilege of of my life
To only be apart of yours
I had spent years wondering why I never had the urge
Why it never happened for me…
I tossed it into the pile of things “wrong with me”
But when they rolled you out
I realized you were going to be the best part
Of me…
And I think this is exactly what my motherhood was meant to be
I have done my best to give you every ounce of good in me
To shield you from the things that plague me
And I know I’m not great it at it
And it’s okay to be angry or disappointed in the ways I show up
It’s okay to see me as anything but perfect
Because amor, I’m not…
You will forever be the best part of me
And not for anything that you do
But simply for existing
Just as you are…
And I promise, you can’t fuck that up
In loving and mothering you
I learned all the things I’ve needed
I’ve understood all the love I’ve lacked
And how easy it was to feel, give…
You’re growing now
And things are changing
As they should
But baby, I promise-in the end
It will always be me and you
There is nothing you can do or say
That will ever get me to forget
All the amazing ways you make me feel-
A mother
You are becoming my best friend
And it honestly, terrifies me
I should not be your mentor
I should not be your idol
I should not be your hero
And I can’t understand why you’d grant me such a title
I have loved you long before you were here
And I will love you far beyond those limits
9/15/2024
Once I realized I had lost my voice
I spent years trying to find where I had left it
I thought if I could pinpoint the exact moment
Then it would just snap back in place
I’m not sure if I lost it in one moment
Or if the accumulation of moments faded out my vocal cords
I’m not even sure if I lost it
That sounds too passive
Like I didn’t even try to fight for it
It was taken…
When I think of my voice
Of my pain
An opinion or thought
It’s accompanied by a memory of this feeling
Of this terror laced with stillness
That stillness, laced with peace
Isolation
Calmness in nothing
For as long as I can remember I have feared darkness
My heart rate still spikes as the sun begins to set
As a kid, this feeling was beyond terrifying
I was consumed and convinced I was in danger
I can’t say She was wrong
But even on the nights the monsters slept
She couldn’t find comfort in that safety
There use to be this bolt lock on my parent’s door
You locked it from inside the room
My door had a lock too actually…
I tried really hard to be brave
I wasn’t as good then at swallowing my feelings
But I knew it would infuriate her if I didn’t
I could feel her waiting for a tear to drop
For my face to shift
I’d make it up until the lights were switched off all over the house
I’d sit up very still trying to make myself have night vision
Trying to smell and feel someone pushing through the air in the room
She just knew someone was there
I knew better than to touch her
I knew better than to cry in front of her
I knew I wouldn’t find what I wanted
What I needed…
But I just really needed someone to keep me safe
Back and forth I’d have arguments in my head
Debating when the fear would be real enough to try
At what point was it worth begging?
My stomach would knot up
The sharp pain in my chest felt like I was dying
"My mommy wouldn’t want that”…
I suppose She thought…
Then She’d call out for her
Louder and louder
Until She realized no one was coming
There were no footsteps down the hall
No locks or doorknobs clicking
The pain of the rejection was always deflating
Her screams just echoed back at Her
It filled Her with shame, embarrassment
Shame for being weak
Embarrassment for needing someone
Unconsciousness took over when there was no more liquid left
No more energy left…
There are different versions for different nights
But this night, was the night of the doormat
She made her way on Her hands and knees
Trying to control Her breathing
“She hates when I make too much noise…”
But gasping was the only way air came in
She makes it just past the door
On the carpet She tries to find comfort
She’s awake and furious
We are stupid and annoying
We are pathetic
We must stop crying…
We try for more contact
We climb into bed
But only at her feet to keep some distance
Her warmth begins to feel soothing
Maybe she will let us stay if we don’t move
Unfortunately, we’ve been crying too long
My lungs involuntarily gasp for air
She kicks me repeatedly
I fight to hold on longer
But I’m not strong enough, and it hurts…
She drags us outside the room
Drops us off on the doormat
… Like my biological mother did in the dumpster behind a McDonalds…
We are unwanted garbage
The bolt on the door clicks
I’m sore and tired
I’m scared and frozen
There is no fight left
I continue to cry on the mat for sometime
But when she comes to kick on the door
The numbness take over
This is where the terror turns to stillness
In the silence I find calm in the acceptance
I surrender to the end of me
I begin to pray for it as I fall asleep…
I wonder if my lips felt numb then too…
9/13/2024
Tonight, I think I understand the concept of “liquid courage”
The reward has always been at the end of a bottle
I have needed the courage to run
You told me to pay attention…
The switch flipped
The images blended
The here and now is all mixed up
It’s calling for memories of the past
The sharp pain hits my diaphragm
Like a game of carnival high stricker
I bite into my lip
Gauging my pain tolerance
I taste iron
But I smell it too…
No, no, no
So we clean the mess
But the mess continues in me…
The air felt prickly that night
The kind of atmosphere that makes your shoulders instantly tight
I don’t remember what I did wrong
But I remember being different
I built it up for months
I was convinced the information would trigger something I had to survive
In that passenger seat, in that parking lot, of that mall
I held my breath and said it
His excitement was something I didn’t expect
It scared me more than what I had anticipated
I don’t remember why we were there
But in this store…
I wondered around the clothes
Trying to feel my way back into this world
“… Are you okay?” she mouthed at me
Her face, specifically her lips are forever etched in my brain
I don’t think I responded
Before I could even decide if I wanted to
His face found mine
I spent the rest of the day thinking about her
What was it about us that pushed her to ask?
What was it about me?…
There was no one else to tell
Nothing anyone could do
I tried to convince him we needed the confirmation
Finally he took me…
I remember the options the nurse gave me
But she didn’t know who was waiting for me in that waiting room
She couldn’t understand
His excitement overpowered my fear
Something shifted
This was wrong
What kind of a mother would choose him?…
Again my brain created memories of the future
Memories they would have of the ways he made a room smell like iron
The way my brain would make noises like hammered out metal
I spent weeks disappointed in who I was
In the choices I had made
Honestly, I spent weeks hoping this would all go away
That’s where I still get stuck today…
The guilt is webbed into the reality of my freedom
I wished for this…
For the problem to go away…
I have never known my place
Not as a child
Not as a teenager
Not today
I didn’t speak when I met you
Yet, I said more than I ever should’ve
I think I may have wanted to see their worst
I wanted to see his
So there were no surprises
He was great at surprises…
I remember the grey bedding
I don’t know what I objected to
But time slowed down…
I anticipated the strike
The mattress launched me into the second
I remember the smell of the room… the sheets
The floor smelled like pine-sol
Instantly, I regretted my choice
The feeling was different
Something shifted or opened
It allowed fear to enter my body
But it wasn’t for me…
He forgot all about his excitement
I tried…
But the blows came in past my knees
Past my arms…
My head was left open
… I promise I tried…
The room filled with the smell of metal
But not like the metal I knew
The pain launched into my throat
Suddenly the nightmare… wasn’t a nightmare
The tile outlined my efforts
They were gone…
I knew they were
I spent weeks hoping for this
Why did it feel so wrong?
He was angry
I could smell it
I tried to sift through the puddles
Like as if the fragments of DNA could be put back together
He would correct it
He would teach me the importance of my place…
And over and over again he tried to bring you back
On that cold tile floor
Then on the itchy grey comforter
And I let him…
Try and to fix my mistake…
9/11/2024
I wonder what rotten parts of myself continue to write out these awful chapters
Stories that make no sense unless read backwards
Those who love me tell I've lived many lives
They ask me how I've managed to get by
They often tell me I'm worthy and deserving of love
-of a life, I know nothing about
Love doesn't feel like a chapter I'll find in my book
Sure-like everyone else, I've thought about what my love story could be
The more time passes, the more I'm convinced that it is me
Who is to become the love of my life-
Laced and intertwined in all my chapters
When it comes to love people focus on the beginning and ends
How did it start? How did it end?
What milestones are significant enough to bookmark?
But are these moments really things worth folding the corner of your page for?
I think the moments are in the folds of the pages
The things no one else can see or feel
You cant capture these things and brag about it on the internet
It means nothing to anyone else but you
What good is a marriage, if you feel unseen by your partner?
What good is a 100 rose bouquet, if every other day you're unappreciated?
I guess I just don't understand
What's the appeal of something so ingenuine?
Life is hard to sort out as it is
My memories feel more real than I am
They're more alive than I am
I get lost and consumed by a life that no longer is
I value the pauses
The moments that bring me back
Milliseconds of an image, scent, sound, or taste will derail me
But it's also the milliseconds in a smile, laugh, or touch that set me back on course
These are the things I annotate
I make sure to mark the pages of pause
It means nothing to anyone else but me
9/5/2024
Others would say I’m brave
That I’m ambitious
These characteristics don’t resonate with me
Yet, I don’t know how to clarify the truth
I anticipate their disappointment
This causes me to hesitate
To fear honesty
So I avoid the introduction to Her
How do I explain that my drive isn’t what it seems?
I’m doing all I can to keep from falling apart
This drive is about survival
It’s a learned behavior
Built out of necessity
Not aspirations
If I stand still, I’m an easy target
I’m not brave
Really, I’m just scared…
All the time
That’s the source of energy people praise
The drive people feel inspired by
I’ve never wanted to be famous
Or known
I never cared to be a millionaire
I couldn’t think about my life more than a day out
Her fear and search for survival is the core
She only ever wanted to be strong enough to never be hurt again
To be big enough to never be made small again
Introducing you to my drive, Her
Requires admitting
I’m often utterly and irrevocable terrified…
9/2/2024
They'll say, "he wasn't always like this"
"It wasn't bad till it was bad"
But I would argue some of us know
I knew...
There's always a part of me hoping to die
Hoping to be finished off
I'm drawn towards death
Alongside it is the conflicting part
I think they can smell that conflict
Being easy prey is the shame I can't unstick
He killed me in the ways you stay awake for
In the ways you're still alive for
Now I carry the cadaver around
She's tied to me for eternity
The back and forth in me creates delusions
Your reality becomes distorted
Your brain has learned to create fantasies to survive reality
But, then it never turns off
It's constantly on to help make living more digestible
You create narratives you can live with
You find the fantasy in everything
You believe so deeply that you're the ugliest thing in the room
You're the most rotten
That you refuse to see it in them
When he says, "it was an accident"
"It won't happen again"
"Don't make me out to be the bad guy"
You buy it
Because it speaks to the part of you convinced you can make someone love you
I replay the love I lacked in them
Determined to prove my existence wasn't a mistake…
That I am of value
That even if you couldn't love me at first... I could show you that you could in time
Not because I believed they were mistaken but because I had hoped to be redeemable
When you need them most is when you watch their frustration grow
They're convinced the way to fix the things that plague my mind is them
They must show me
Love me harder…
I don't know what it is about that
I suppose I'm not a willing participant in my own healing
Through the begging they persist
The fabric burns as it rubs across my skin
His hands make bruises on my body
Over and over and over I feel their hands
All of them roaming my body
The sensations never fail to return for me
They're accompanied by memories of myself....
The sensations of my limbs becoming weak
Of my muscles, giving up
The memories of them return with images of me...
The sounds of my voice
Not just of the things I say but emotions they deliver
Her screams echo in my skull…
The feelings of my body shrinking
The begging...
The way all my strength falls short
The longing for real death
Over and over she plays her song over the tracks of their hands
9/2/2024
He's ignoring me when it starts
I'm in trouble for something I don't quite understand
The noise gets louder as the night builds
I spend the night attempting to drown it out
Convincing myself I'm invested in those around me
I do my best to hide the reality of where my mind is
It's easy in the motions of the party
He comes to find me on the balcony
I'm not quick enough at apologizing for the thing I don't understand
But he says he forgives me anyways
He's grabbing at me playfully
But it hurts...
His touch is laced with his frustrations of me
I idiotically think he will stop if he knows
The energy switches
His frustration and annoyance bring up the shame in myself
Yes,... again I'm here
Yes, I'm sorry
He tells me to just stop thinking about it
That my problem is thinking too much
He explains it was so long ago
Like I don't spend every day thinking about how long I've carried this for
On the drive home I slip away
He asks about the memories that come up
He wants to know details
Like I'm remembering an old lover
My mind can't sort it out
It's like a fork scraping down a plate
The noise never makes sense out of my head
I'm not responding
His hand grips my thigh harder and harder
When the car stops I try to get more space
He grabs my arm and guides me to his apartment
He tells me I'm safe
He begs me to stop
That it pains him to see me hurt
Tells me I'm pushing his love away
Inside, he places a blanket around me
I feel the tension in my shoulders drop for a moment
He comes back into the room... driven
Begging me to let him fix it
To let him love me
If only it were that easy to tape over
He attempts to pick me up
I drop all my weight to the floor
Hoping I melt into the cracks of the laminate
Hoping I become invisible
Why can't he understand me?
Why can't he see me?
Why can't I be anything but broken?
He's angry now
He grabs my arms and begins to drag me
........................
The cold water brings me back
I have a splitting headache
My jaw is tight and immobile
He's sitting on the toilet lid facing the floor
He tells me he loves me without looking at me
He tells me he's sorry
That he'll try better
He gives me privacy to remove the wet clothes
I climb in bed desperate to be loved and kept safe
In a few hours I'm crying from the weight of him
I don't have the energy to fight
And maybe he's right
Maybe I'm not letting his love fix me...
8/30/2024
I suppose life is about juggling
Finding your rhythm in keeping everything in the air
Living isn’t about resolving these things
Surely that’s the goal of urgency
But, the real test in resiliency is juggling
How do you manage when life inevitably feeds you another ball?
I don’t know how to juggle
Life has been feeding me balls like I’m in a batting cage
Before I recognize the first, the next one’s loading
I wonder if the method matters
I don’t know how to juggle…
But I’ve learned the game- keep everything in the air, at all costs
So I load up all the things
Some I hold under my armpits
Some I clamp down on with my thighs
And I can balance a hell of a lot on my head…
You’d be surprised
I play hacky sack as they begin to fall
Catching them just before they hit the ground
The balls are made of rubber and glass
But I can’t tell the difference until I let one slip
And the consequences rattle my rhythm
I routinely have the urge to let it all fall
Oh, what would it be like to have no balls at all…
8/17/2024
“Nobody can tell that I can’t breath
So I scratch at the rip in my jeans
I’m hoping that if I scratch hard enough
I’ll forget what this stupid feeling means
I can’t breathe, I feel it
Like a heaviness in my chest
I’m sitting in the car desperately wishing that my brain would rest
Somebody tries to talk to me
But I stopped paying attention long ago
This cute little part of me is my least favorite for people to suddenly know
They never stay long after this
I’m abandoned like a broken doll
Something someone once admired
Someone for who they would never fall
I’m always in a car when it happens
Silly little me
I’m just sitting here so how bad could my anxiety really be
Then something shifts
I’m falling into a boiling pool head first
I’m sprinting ten miles
I’m panting from the thirst
I’m spinning in checkerboard circles
I’m scratching at the seat
He asked if I’m hungry but when I’m anxious I can’t eat
I’m suffocating in fresh air
I’m slamming my head into a wall
They never stay long after this
They always remember not to call
Suddenly I’m screaming in my dreams
I’m refusing any caffeine
If they knew how hard I fought to stay
Maybe they wouldn’t be so mean
I’m shaking on the floor
Rough emotions stuck in air
I hate when this happens
He tries to touch my hair
I’m moving in a stopped car
I‘m cemented to the past
And then of course I start crying
The frustrated tears always come fast
They never stay long after this
After I’ve shown too much
And it has nothing to do with my body
Just my mind’s strong punch
It’s a solo rescue mission
Only me against me
And they never stay long after this
Because I’m not who they wanted me to be
I put the window down because now I really can’t breathe
And it doesn’t make it any better that I know that they’re about to leave
I tell him to pull over
I can’t do it, I need to stop
And it always happens so suddenly
We had just been laughing in a coffee shop
He follows close behind
They always follow at the beginning
Then they whisper a goodbye
While my ears are still ringing
I’m burning up from the inside
There’s ants on my skin
This is what I remember when people ask me how I’ve been
Heat radiates off of the ground
So he puts a cold cup in my hand
He helps me get up
He balances me while I try to stand
He whispers that “the ice is suppose to help”
Cold water cools the side of my face
My heart slows down then
I almost forgot that it had a non-panicked pace”
-Celia
8/15/2024
I’ve always thought I had a bad memory
Sometimes I wish it was worse…
Bad enough to split off from me completely
Something about the words on the page rushes in the memory of my night
(Dream)
It’s a party
All my extended family is here
The crowd is loud and joyful
I’m however, unsettled
I’m obsessively scanning the room
Left to right, left to right
Left to ri- he walks in
All the air leaves my body
Leaving my muscles deflated and motionless
I can feel his anger
I broke the most important rule- say nothing
The world become muffled
I heard myself from a distance say, “I’m going to go”
Only one cousin hears me, “As you should”
The moment I muster up the strength to take a step…
The volume is turned up
There’s a sharp pain around my arm
His rage infects me…
His face meets mine
The scent feels like shards of glass up my nostrils
Fear stops my heart
I choose death…
I wake up exhausted once again
Returning to a body that doesn’t feel mine
Inheriting a body that seems to have just climbed Mount Everest
And I had nothing to do with it
I’m hot, I’m cold
I’m drenched
Tonight I’m too pissed to change my shirt
I peel off the t-shirt and toss it across the room
I try not to but I cry myself to completion…
8/8/2024
It’s a joke-I knew this going into it
But it was more than that
It had the sting of a personal joke
The sounds seemed to get louder and echo in my head
They used to come off my body
The keys banging up against your hip
The squeakiness of your boots on the floor
The subtle sound of the material rubbing between your legs
I could smell it
I could hear it
I could see it so clearly it felt like I was looking directly into the sun
The buckle on my purse began to rattle in the quiet room
I trace it back to my hands
I notice my heart beating in my throat
Embarrassment instantly takes over
Not here…
It’s not safe here
They discuss the importance of justice and fairness
“The system is here to help you when you need it”
My lips begin to go numb
It spreads to the rest of my face
Luckily the rest is vague
I disconnect to make it as long as I can
It builds- ultimately I fall apart
The gate is open and the feeling scares me
It’s more than anger
It’s more hatred
I failed today
I can’t seem to find any justice in this world
There’s no balance
I watch my mind commit crimes against itself
Nothing ever seems to change…
7/15/2024
(Dream)
I’m setting up a bath for him
He’s a puppy still
I leave him in the tub as I go grab my baby brother
I come back with him wrapped around my hip
I find him motionless and under water
The water rose too fast…
I place my brother on the bath mat
I pull the puppy out
He’s limp
I try to pump the water out of him
I fail
A sudden sharp pain in my chest collapses me
Feels like my ribs are snapping
It intensifies every second till it wakes me
7/12/2024
(Dream)
He’s sick
I’m trying to save his life but the meds are expensive
And I’m too broke to afford it
A cousin requests ownership of him to cover his vet bill
I let him go…
He looks at me with disappointment as I hand him over
His eyes turn cold
A look I’ve never seen before in him
The heat rises
I’m angry
I lost him
He was taken from me
My father mocks my tears
He calls me “estupida”
I erupt
Chairs go flying
And suddenly I’m in his face
I want the fight
I want to be destroyed
I taunt him
He warms his hand up on my face
The anger keeps me going
I’m breaking everything in sight
Screaming at, I don’t know who
I’m pulled out
The anger is still present
I’m shaking…
Then the tears come
7/12/2024
I say my brain is like a bundle of tangled Christmas lights. I refer to it’s darkness by describing it as a few crossed wires. It’s mess… It implies that there’s a way to untangle it, to simply uncross the wires, or clean it all up. It implies hope… I’ve fixated on my brain all my life. Trying to find ways to understand it and explore answers. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade. I’ve tried different forms of treatment. I’ve complied and listened to every piece of advice. I’ve sought out people smarter than me. I’ve tired to attack it from all angles- physical, psychological, spiritual. I've fought to gain access to resources that could help me. I’m grasping for things to hold on to. Things that could weigh me down.
I don’t know what to do with this feeling. The more tools I compile, the more this feeling grows.
It rolls in like a quiet fog. Before I know it, I’m consumed. It’s only in retrospect that I can pick up on the change in climate. My lack of clarity and focus only increasing.
There’s a deck of cards shuffling in my head. Mixed with the good and the bad stuff. There’s a push and pull as I flip through the options. I try to give the good more weight. I try to convince myself to hold on to these things.
I don’t even know what to call this kind of desire. This shadow, this fog, this demon, monster. It’s so embedded in me. It couldn’t be me…could it?
You tell me my mind is brilliant. You say it’s art, it’s philosophical. You tell me to paint it! To write it! To refrain from judging it and simply witness. None of this feels like art! None of this I want to talk about! None of it I want to witness! I’m tired of watching the cycle rinse and repeat. I’ve gotten real good at disconnecting from myself. It’s the only way I know to escape it so I can catch my breath. But you, you ask me to stay, to listen, and watch. You want me to describe what it’s like to watch the weight of nothingness consume me!?
There’s no art in it...
I watch myself pace around my apartment before bed. Fully aware of how exhausted I am yet feeling so incredibly wired.
I watch myself struggle to sooth myself-with the sound of water, the weight of my blanket, the rocking of my legs, the smell of lavender, the humming in my chest.
I watch myself wake up far too early-fully alert but my eyes burn if I hold them open.
I watch myself struggle to peel myself off the mattress.
I watch myself compensate with strong coffee.
I watch myself forget to brush my teeth all day.
I watch myself blame it on forgetting.
I watch myself forget to shower.
I watch myself struggle to get my hair and face to tell a different story.
I watch my stomach forget to cue me to eat.
I watch as I force myself to eat.
I watch how it triggers nausea and sometimes I vomit.
I watch myself disconnect and do the one thing I know how to do.
I watch how I unravel the second I’m off-duty.
I watch as the anger grows.
I watch as I try to bang it out.
I watch as it ironically causes relief.
I watch how I reach for the whiskey.
I watch how I try to breathe instead.
I watch as I begin to contemplate the methods.
I watch as I decide stretching might help.
I watch as I panic and raid my kitchen.
I watch as the nausea triggers disgust.
I watch as I open and close my alcohol cabinet.
I watch as I try to read.
I watch how the itching of my skin leads me to scratch it deeply.
I watch as I try to sketch.
I watch as I struggle to focus.
I watch myself pour another glass.
I watch myself settle and wish for something stronger.
I watch myself think about the pills, the blades, the bullets.
I watch myself decide to breathe.
I watch myself try the yoga.
I watch as the bruises settle and ache.
I watch as I decide a shower could help.
I watch as I collapse into the tub and decide it’s more energy than I have.
I watch as I try to trigger my humor with another special.
I watch as I try to access love in this world.
I watch as I struggle to climax for the dopamine.
I watch as I fight to stay one move ahead of my own mind.
I watch as I struggle.
I watch as I terrify myself.
I watch as I humiliate myself.
Nothing about this brilliant! It’s just the result of mess I can’t seem to clean up. If I’m lucky, it’ll pass in a couple weeks. Then the panic attacks take over for some time. Rinse and repeat.
7/7/2024
The starter isn't always so obvious
They can be subtle too
It's not just fireworks that ignite the sensations in my body
It's the humming of the night
The way the planes sound above me
The way the air in this house lacks oxygen
I make my way up to the roof
To replenish the oxygen lost
I'm searching for the worlds that exist around me
Lives and stories adjacent to mine
I listen and watch as others move through their night
At night, voices travel
At night, people leave their curtains wide open
I let my mind wonder into their homes
Into their lives
And I imagine a different ending to mine...
At the very least it serves as a distraction
A safety net I can get myself tangled in
I've engaged in this exercise since I was a kid
Hoping that these stories would tape over the ones I carry
Images flicker as the insects make their music
My intestines make knots they undo and redo
I close my eyes and cover my ears
But just like you can feel the rumble of sound with noise canceling ear plugs
And the sun's brightness can reach your retina no matter how sealed your lids are
My memories can find me too...