3/22/2025
Did I go too far?
I believed knowledge to be the key
The master key to unlocking my sanity
How couldn’t it not be?
I’ve been in the pursuit of truth-
Unlocking as many doors as possible and as fast as I can
They come in and out of my office all day
Like a flip book the silhouettes sit and stand so quickly
The shift in their seats
Crossing and uncrossing their legs
This key seems to work for other people
Is that how it’s suppose to work?
Does knowing too much impact its efficacy for me?
Did I sacrifice my opportunity?
Why doesn’t it work for me?
1/28/2025
The image replays over and over
Sometimes I can’t find the words to describe an experience…
Images seem to work best when words fail
I imagine the ink on the quill hitting the paper
The paper, parched, quickly drinks
The ink bleeds through the subtle dimples of the sheet
This is the feeling that spreads
My body releases the air and tension it’s been holding
quill on paper
1/9/2025
(Dream)
People keep looking at me
I'm standing alone now at this party
Seems there are only men really around
I make myself busy and start cleaning
I find myself in the laundry room
I hear noise coming down the hallway and i peek
There is a guy jumping as he pulls his pants up
As he slips his shoes on
He sees me
And puts his arm around me as he walks me away from the room
Another comes up and asks for a hug as he comes in for an embrace
I'm uncomfortable
I know this feeling but I don't know why
I watch as he walks out of the room
He's clothed
But when we make eye contact a stone develops in my stomach
Like he's a doctor coming out of the room of a loved one
Preparing to deliver some bad news
The more this is look tells me, "don't come"
The more i want to
My legs pull me towards him
Everyone's watching
I'm nauseated by him now
Angry
Disappointed
My hands begin to shake
My throat closes
I look in the room
The image is gone from memory already
But the feeling isnt...
I drop to the floor
He tries to catch me
But I don't want him touching me
The screaming begins
I'm not screaming at anyone at first
But the more he tries to hold me the angrier I get
"What did you do!?"
"Did you do that?"
"Why would you do that to her!?"
Death breaks through the floor
I beg to be consumed
But it only comes to wrap itself around me
To tighten it's grip
And leave another mark
"I WANT TO DIE"
I wake up...
1/5/2025
I fantasize about it a lot
It feels so good and devastatingly bad
My ribs ache as he presses them against the sink
I avoid eye contact with myself
He's washing it away...
He knows what I know...
It's not coming off...
It's like rinsing oil off your hands with water
But he tries...
I gag, sometimes vomit over the running water but he never stops
He takes the toothbrush
The mouth wash...
I hate the taste of listerine
I hate scrubbing my tongue...
It's the same protocol each time
He leaves me on the lid...
My soul drips into the toilet...
I can smell it... I can taste it...
Sometimes i’d watch as the red moves and flows into hues of pink
Lose myself in nothing…
Sometimes I'd pray…
I’d make promises- i’d be a good girl
Worthy of his saving, I promise
… i’m not dirty
He killed me
Long before I could even live...
.....
I hated it
I hated him
I hate... me
....
I know him
It's what haunts him today
It oozes out when he drinks
It drives his threats...
I know him...
Like no one else does
With me, he cannot lie
The cost of ending me, is revealing yourself
You cannot take the soul of a child without paying the price
It’s not guilt he is consumed by…
It's the risk of losing power… credibility
You’re just as dirty… as me
I know what he likes...
I know what he hates...
He likes attention
And control
He feeds off your insecurities
He's great at saying a lot without ever really saying anything
He feeds off your pain...
He loves blood...
Especially, when you beg
His tools were always sharp
Always making sure to mark… what he claimed as his…
I carry the weight of my corpse
While he runs wild and free
I fantasize about him begging...
The blood...
The control...
Leaving a mark…
The prolonged execution...
The endorphins rushing through my body
What a high...
What freedom
If his heart stops beating
Mine can stop bleeding...
I watch as the thoughts consume me
Chew me up and spit me out…
Then the same feeling I get from scrubbing my tongue with the toothbrush comes up
Maybe, he left too much of himself in me...
This is when the fantasy shifts
I do not fear them
I welcome them…
If there was a God- this would be the prayer to fulfill
Please let me end here
1/1/2025
There is always a point in the night when I’ve run out of…things
Nothing left to do
No one left to call
Just me and the glass of whiskey…
I like being alone…
I also hate it
It’s when the noise takes over
It’s also why I keep my distance from others
I wonder if I’d even like solitude if it weren’t for them
Or maybe it’d be the opposite
It’s all the same cycle
Rinse and repeat
But, some nights I don’t want to be alone with them…
I don’t have the words to explain what happens to me
I couldn’t tell you what I’m so sad about
Or even tell you with certainty that sadness is what I’m feeling
I haven’t figured out where the speaker is
The feedback loop increases the harder I look for it
I’m fine in this familiar space
I manage it alone
But sometimes…
I’d give anything to be held
But not just by anyone
You see, touch is important to me
Touch hurts more than it heals
Safety in it is rare…
I’d have to risk it all and trust someone to keep me safe
To hold me in their arms as I fall apart over something that no longer is
But cannot be explained to them
I hear my own contradictions…
I know I’m scary this way
It’s upsetting to others
And I wish I could explain it…
But I also wish someone wouldn’t look for it
For the answers or understanding in chaos they’ve never lived
I suppose this is an unreasonable ask…
I’m scared of the darkness in me consuming someone else
So, I stay away… to keep them safe-to keep myself safe
Yet, on nights like this, I dispute this claim…
12/28/2024
The noise is tightening the laces around my lungs
My throat is swelling up…
My hands begin to shake
I pick up a brush
12/14/2024
I don’t know how to stop…
I don’t know how to be good enough
I don’t know how to like myself
She struggled to raise me because she didn’t like me
The mean voice in my head was the women dropping me off at the sitter’s
Was, yet the voice in my head continues
It’s not just the thought, “I’ll never be good enough”
But the feeling
That’s worse…
I thought the peak of my grief would be accepting what I never got
There’s no one and nothing to fight anymore
There is silence left in the absence of the war
Making me so aware of just how empty and broken I am…
11/2/2024
(Dream)
I'm in the new apartment I sense.
I'm in session with my therapist
She asks me a question I don't understand about being "bad versus good"
A women, followed by her partner break through my window
The women disappears and its just him
He landed on my bed
I'm screaming and attacking him
I notice a sensation in my sleeve
When I look at the window there are insects coating the window sill
There are flies, bees, worms, spiders
Even frogs
I look at the floor
It's like I'm wearing a flashlight on my head
Everything is dark until I give it my attention
The floor is covered with insects
I try to crawl away
I feel exhausted and give in to the floor
I hear small coughs behind me
I turn to find mufasa, my dog
I reach to touch him and feel terrified I won't feel him
Not only do I feel him but he comes in for more
I begin sobbing
I repeat over and over "I love you"
I wake up shaking....
10/5/2023
“What if I never get my love reciprocated
Born to be the one
Forced to be, the one that never actually dated
And I think I’m a broken record
That every time that I flip
There is no other side
Just some smart ass funny quip
That doesn’t show how upset I am about it
I’m not funny
It’s just a trauma response
What if all I’m gifted
Is somebody’s half hearted nonchalance
I don’t feel rejected
I feel ugly
I feel like I’m not enough
I feel like no matter what happens
I have to suck it up
And be tough
That the grades are never perfect
The photos are never good
That I keep trying to love myself
Just to convince myself that
Somebody else actually could
And the better I get
Sometimes the worse that I feel
Because what if I never get to your
Expectation of what it means to full heal
And I just keep getting older
And each year
It feels like a heavier weight
I keep distracting myself with other hobbies
Like love is an appetite to satiate
I’m not sad about it
I’m just disappointed that I’m still not there
Do you think people feel it
When you include them in a prayer?
What if I never know it?
Not truly
The nausea ensues
If love is an alarm
Why do they just keep hitting snooze?
Because isn’t the dream worth living?
What if I never get…
To know the reality,
Of who I could of met?”
CC
9/20/2024
I did not survive what I survived
to simply be grateful…
When I look at him
I remember all that matters
—————
You’ve changed my life since the day you were born
Without you, I wouldn’t be the women I am today
You challenged me in ways no one else could
It took all of me to give you all my good
Believe me when I say it was so much to sort through
All I have ever wanted was for you to be loved
To be seen and supported, just as you are
To be a kid…
People always tell me I don’t know what it’s like
To be a mother…
To worry every day about how the world treats the best part of you
And I can’t say whether that‘s right or wrong
But you taught me to be a mother…
It has been the greatest privilege of of my life
To only be apart of yours
I had spent years wondering why I never had the urge
Why it never happened for me…
I tossed it into the pile of things “wrong with me”
But when they rolled you out
I realized you were going to be the best part
Of me…
And I think this is exactly what my motherhood was meant to be
I have done my best to give you every ounce of good in me
To shield you from the things that plague me
And I know I’m not great it at it
And it’s okay to be angry or disappointed in the ways I show up
It’s okay to see me as anything but perfect
Because amor, I’m not…
In loving and mothering you
I learned all the things I’ve needed
I’ve understood all the love I’ve lacked
And how easy it was to feel, give…
There is nothing you can do or say
That will ever get me to forget
All the amazing ways you make me feel-
A mother
I have loved you long before you were here
And I will love you far beyond those limits
9/15/2024
Once I realized I had lost my voice
I spent years trying to find where I had left it
I thought if I could pinpoint the exact moment
Then it would just snap back in place
I’m not sure if I lost it in one moment
Or if the accumulation of moments faded out my vocal cords
I’m not even sure if I lost it
That sounds too passive
Like I didn’t even try to fight for it
Like I was careless
It was taken…
When I think of my voice
Of my pain
An opinion or thought
It’s accompanied by a memory of this feeling
Of this terror laced with stillness
That stillness, laced with peace
Isolation
Calmness in nothing
For as long as I can remember I have feared darkness
My heart rate still spikes as the sun begins to set
As a kid, this feeling was beyond terrifying
I was consumed and convinced I was in danger
I can’t say She was wrong
But even on the nights the monsters slept
She couldn’t find comfort in that safety
There use to be this bolt lock on my parent’s door
You locked it from inside the room
My door had a lock too actually…
I tried really hard to be brave
I wasn’t as good then at swallowing my feelings
But I knew it would infuriate her if I didn’t
I could feel her waiting for a tear to drop
For my face to shift
I’d make it up until the lights were switched off all over the house
I’d sit up very still trying to make myself have night vision
Trying to smell and feel someone pushing through the air in the room
She just knew someone was there
I knew better than to touch her
I knew better than to cry in front of her
I knew I wouldn’t find what I wanted
What I needed…
But I just really needed someone to keep me safe
Back and forth I’d have arguments in my head
Debating when the fear would be real enough to try
At what point was it worth begging?
My stomach would knot up
The sharp pain in my chest felt like I was dying
"My mommy wouldn’t want that”…
I suppose She thought…
Then She’d call out for her
Louder and louder
Until She realized no one was coming
There were no footsteps down the hall
No locks or doorknobs clicking
The pain of the rejection was always deflating
Her screams just echoed back at Her
It filled Her with shame, embarrassment
Shame for being weak
Embarrassment for needing someone
Unconsciousness took over when there was no more liquid left
No more energy left…
There are different versions for different nights
But this night, was the night of the doormat
She made her way on Her hands and knees
Trying to control Her breathing
“She hates when I make too much noise…”
But gasping was the only way air came in
She makes it just past the door
On the carpet She tries to find comfort
She’s awake and furious
We are stupid and annoying
We are pathetic
We must stop crying…
We try for more contact
We climb into bed
But only at her feet to keep some distance
Her warmth begins to feel soothing
Maybe she will let us stay if we don’t move
Unfortunately, we’ve been crying too long
My lungs involuntarily gasp for air
She kicks me repeatedly
I fight to hold on longer
But I’m not strong enough, and it hurts…
She drags us outside the room
Drops us off on the doormat
… Like my biological mother did in the dumpster behind a McDonalds…
We are unwanted garbage
The bolt on the door clicks
I’m sore and tired
I’m scared and frozen
There is no fight left
I continue to cry on the mat for sometime
But when she comes to kick on the door
The numbness take over
This is where the terror turns to stillness
In the silence I find calm in the acceptance
I surrender to the end of me
I begin to pray for it as I fall asleep…
I wonder if my lips felt numb then too…
9/13/2024
Tonight, I think I understand the concept of “liquid courage”
The reward has always been at the end of a bottle
I have needed the courage to run
You told me to pay attention…
The switch flipped
The images blended
The here and now is all mixed up
It’s calling for the past
The sharp pain hits my diaphragm
Like a game of carnival high stricker
I bite into my lip
Gauging my pain tolerance
I taste iron
But I smell it too…
No, no, no
So we clean the mess
But the mess continues in me…
The air felt prickly that night
The kind of atmosphere that makes your shoulders instantly tight
I don’t remember what I did wrong
But I remember being different
I built it up for months
I was convinced the information would trigger something I’d have to survive
In that passenger seat, in that parking lot, of that mall
I held my breath and said it
His excitement was something I didn’t expect
It scared me more than what I had anticipated
I don’t remember why we were there
But in this store…
I wondered around the clothes
Trying to feel my way back into this world
“… Are you okay?” she mouthed at me
Her face, specifically her lips are forever etched in my brain
I don’t think I responded
Before I could even decide if I wanted to
His face found mine
I spent the rest of the day thinking about her
What was it about us that pushed her to ask?
What was it about me?…
There was no one else to tell
Nothing anyone could do
I tried to convince him we needed the confirmation
Finally he took me…
I remember the options the nurse gave me
But she didn’t know who was waiting for me in that waiting room
She couldn’t understand
His excitement overpowered my fear
Something shifted
This was wrong
What kind of a mother would choose him?…
Again my brain created memories of the future
Memories they would have of the ways he made a room smell like iron
The way my brain would make noises like hammered out metal
I spent weeks disappointed in who I was
In the choices I had made
Honestly, I spent weeks hoping this would all go away
That’s where I still get stuck today…
The guilt is webbed into the reality of my freedom
I wished for this…
For the problem to go away…
I have never known my place
Not as a child
Not as a teenager
Not today
I didn’t speak when I met you
Yet, I said more than I ever should’ve
I think I may have wanted to see their worst
I wanted to see his
So there were no surprises
He was great at surprises…
I remember the grey bedding
I don’t know what I objected to
But time slowed down…
I anticipated the strike
The mattress launched me into the second
I remember the smell of the room… the sheets
The floor smelled like pine-sol
Instantly, I regretted my choice
The feeling was different
Something shifted or opened
It allowed fear to enter my body
But it wasn’t for me…
He forgot all about his excitement
I tried…
But the blows came in past my knees
Past my arms…
My head was left open
… I promise I tried…
The room filled with the smell of metal
But not like the metal I knew
The pain launched into my throat
Suddenly the nightmare… wasn’t a nightmare
The tile outlined my efforts
They were gone…
I knew they were
I spent weeks hoping for this
Why did it feel so wrong?
He was angry
I could smell it
I tried to sift through the puddles
Like as if the fragments of DNA could be put back together
He would correct it
He would teach me the importance of my place…
And over and over again he tried to bring you back
On that cold tile floor
Then on the itchy grey comforter
And I let him…
Try and to fix my mistake…
9/11/2024
I wonder what rotten parts of myself continue to write out these awful chapters
Stories that make no sense unless read backwards
Those who love me tell I've lived many lives
They ask me how I've managed to get by
They often tell me I'm worthy and deserving of love
-of a life, I know nothing about
Love doesn't feel like a chapter I'll find in my book
Sure-like everyone else, I've thought about what my love story could be
The more time passes, the more I'm convinced that it is me
Who is to become the love of my life-
Laced and intertwined in all my chapters
When it comes to love people focus on the beginning and ends
How did it start? How did it end?
What milestones are significant enough to bookmark?
But are these moments really things worth folding the corner of your page for?
I think the moments are in the folds of the pages
The things no one else can see or feel
You cant capture these things and brag about it on the internet
It means nothing to anyone else but you
What good is a marriage, if you feel unseen by your partner?
What good is a 100 rose bouquet, if every other day you're unappreciated?
I guess I just don't understand
What's the appeal of something so ingenuine?
Life is hard to sort out as it is
My memories feel more real than I am
They're more alive than I am
I get lost and consumed by a life that no longer is
I value the pauses
The moments that bring me back
Milliseconds of an image, scent, sound, or taste will derail me
But it's also the milliseconds in a smile, laugh, or touch that set me back on course
These are the things I annotate
I make sure to mark the pages of pause
It means nothing to anyone else but me