10/30/2023

I hear the siren a few times on my way to work. The nausea is pretty prominent. I repeat, "There's no siren. There's no siren". As I focus on my breathing. It's been some time since it was this clear and frequent.

(Dream)

The details got away from me. There is some party, lots of people on a large property. I go find my sister. It's someone I know but I don't know why she's my sister in this dream. I go tell her that I got a heads up and they're coming for me. I'm about to leave, to run for it, but at the same time it's like I'm avoiding this. I'm delaying it. 20 helicopters show up. A grip of units peel into the property. Sending particles of dirt everywhere. The pale woman asks me if I speak English before directing my hands to my back.I comply.

I feel... I hear, the first click. I begin gasping for air as I fall to my knees

I'm jolted awake

My eyes scan the darkness for clarity

My chest is compressing into itself

I recognize my bed

"Fuck", I think as I recognize I'm in the middle of a panic attack

I mistakenly try to recall the dream

I feel the cool metal on my wrist

Sending me into complete terror

I want it out of me, off of me

I peel my clothes off, item by item

I'm sweating at this point

Rigid but trembling 

I find myself sitting up on the bed

Back against the wall in my underwear

I'm shivering

Unsure if it's a result of the panic or the cold air hitting my sweaty body

My face and head ache

My muscles feel tired 

I try not to pass judgment on myself

Try not to feel the disappointment and sense of failure

I spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling 

Couldn't tell you what the question was exactly

But my response was a begrudging... "fine". 

I justify the suppression of this one due to the risk. I know the cost of opening my mouth. I know the lengths they'll go to make sure nothing ever comes out of me. I rewarded them with my silence. They earned it...I ran, doing my best to never look back. The echoes petrify me.Like real sirens, unclear from what direction it's coming from. Only knowing that it's approaching and fast

My mental state was functional

Distant, absent but manageable

I was managing. I was numb, detached, and reckless with myself. Inviting more harm. I gave up my defenses. I see the lights first. My body tightens up for the fight. The sirens follows. When he approaches my window I accept it, but when he calls my name I leave. I'm just... gone. My name clarifies the danger of this situation. His words cut through me but the painkillers flow through my body. I feel nothing. I'm berated, humiliated. But not in this moment. In this moment, I feel nothing. Most of it I've forgotten. Least that's what I tell myself. My lawyer described the footage as "painful" to watch.

He slams me up against the unit. Bending me sharply at the hips. He stands behind me laughing as he gropes at my body. He locks the first one...These marks will linger for days. Traces of him will be left on my wrists, arms, and hips. I'm thrown in the back. Landing on my face.

I'm connected to a bench on the floor. My spine shoots pain down my legs.

Soon two of them sit on me as my blood is drawn. They put part of my uniform on in the process so now I'm threatened to be thrown in with general pop. I don't say it but I'd feel safer in that cage than in this room of uniforms. One of them is very angry. So angry I can feel him even when I'm checked out. He watches me closely. His blood is boiling at the sight of me. He comes for me… Releasing me from the bench. He calls over his accomplice. My arms are restrained as he whispers, "I'm going to do the rape kit myself you lying bitch". The scent is here… I smell it off him and this brings me back into my body. My legs drag behind me as they carry me down a dark hallway. We're approaching a dark room. I launch my legs up against the door frame. Locking my legs. My wrists are twisting in and I want to give up. In a split second I make the choice-I'd rather die. So I fight to piss them off. Maybe they'll accidently go too far. I swing my legs back down, targeting one of their knees. He releases my arm and I elbow him straight in the face before the other slams me against the wall. I feel his hands trembling. He doesn't feel like rage… I swing my head back, rocking his balance. I begin to scream so loud I feel something ripping in my throat.

The sergeant returns upset by my troublemaking. He "okay-s" my release to a coworker.

I'm full of rage. Slow growing, but silent. I don't say a word. The stream of tears seem endless. I can hear the road below us. The thought is still very vivid for me.

"I'm done..."

I open the door and launch myself. The asphalt bounces off my body. After a few moments I notice the horror of breathing persists. A deep belly cry begins then it turns into a panic attack. I'm enraged with my existence. I punch my face over and over until he comes running to restrain me. I'm fighting him. I'm angry with any obstacle keeping me from relief. He holds me till the energy runs out then carries my limp body back in the car. I try again a few moments later with a razor. Again, he restrains me. I postpone my attempts till tomorrow

Fine…