6/7/2024

It's odd my job is to keep secrets

When I really think about it, I've been keeping people's secrets all my life

Maybe that's why it comes easy to me

It's really easy when it has nothing to do with you

I never feel the need to speak about other people in that way

I think it's important for people to maintain that kind of power for themselves

The power of telling the stories of things that have happened to them

It's the only part you get to control...

I hear about all kinds of stories

Stories about losing power

Stories about how to manage that loss

And stories about taking it from others

I remember being told as a new boot that my first fight would cause me to freeze

That I'd be quickly humbled by the darkness I'd find in people

I was told to expect the unexpected because the violence would always find me

Now I seek the mess and destruction in others

I purposely go digging for it because it ironically holds the key to something different

I've yet to hear anything that shocks me or makes me freeze

I suppose I'm still waiting for the thing that'll ... scare me

I often wonder what that says about me...

The first fight was in the showers

It was wet and the steam made it harder to see

I don't remember thinking but somehow I coordinated a plan to put the fire out

We were short so I was alone

Back up that finally arrived over shot the pepper spray

Hitting me and a bystander with asthma

Pepper spray in a steaming shower room is not a room you'd want to be in

So, my back up left

I managed to get handcuffs on everyone

Then carry myself and the bystander, now consumed in an asthma attack, out of the room

The banter about my quick feet lasted weeks

They told me it was a good thing

But my stomach was upset every time I recalled the event

It was the topic of therapy for weeks

Why didn't I freeze?

How come I'm not upset?

What does that say about me?

I suppose there is still a part of me waiting to hear something that shocks me

I cannot seem to find a human experience that scares me...

I'm scared that the plague they've left in me is contagious

I'm terrified others can see it

That their evil,... is also, now my evil