8/7/2023

(EMDR Session)

The memory is of my first attempt.

My childhood is full of black outs and blurry images.

But the feeling of wanting to be gone, to be dead, for it end-is one I can’t remember not having.

I grab the knife and I go out to the driveway on the side of the house.

The ball goes back and forth as I’m asked to remember the worst part of this memory.

My mother coming…

I’m crying, I feel sad.

That’s new but I imagine her 8-year-old hands and it’s sad.

I know the desperate feeling so well.

It’s familiar in my body, in my mind.

The balls goes back and forth.

I feel the tension in my jaw, in my shoulders, and my back.

My stomach hurts.

I’m sick to my stomach.

I hate this feeling…

The ball goes back and forth as I’m asked to follow the feeling.

Suddenly I feel very nauseous.

I’m burping and I feel the vomit in my mouth.

The ball goes back and forth as I’m asked to notice the throw up.

I don’t remember when it switched.

I don’t recall noticing the change.

I tried to focus on the tension, the ache, and the nausea.

I disappeared.

I was gone.

When I’m back- my body is so heavy.

It’s unresponsive.

I follow the ball and try to speak.

Nothing comes out.

I try to lift my arms and move my head.

Worry sets in. “Why can’t I move?”

“Why am I trapped?”

The worry is odd. I can’t feel the worry. I just know that I am.

The ball is blurry and hard to focus on.

The sounds around me seem far away.

I’m not crying anymore.

My face and entire body are numb.

There’s no feeling and no emotions.

Why?

“Look at my hands xxxxx”

The ball stops moving.

She calls me again.

“Look at your hands.”

I try but my head won’t move.

I try to speak- nothing comes out.

“Look around the room”

She has me find things I see, smell, hear, and feel.

“I can’t” I say.

I feel like I should be scared or crying but I feel nothing.

My toes twitch and I try to wiggle them.

Next, I try to swallow but the muscles won’t tense.

I know she’s speaking to me but it’s not clear.

I try to follow the guidance when I hear it.

Eventually my hands can move. It takes a lot of effort and my movements are slow.

“I don’t like it” I say.

She reassures me.

“Do you know what’s happened?”

Unexpectedly, the answer comes- “Disassociation”.

She asks me questions but it’s really hard to track.

Really hard to respond.

I feel disoriented. My voice doesn’t even sound like me.

I feel nothing. That’s the best part.

She’s telling jokes. I feel I should smile and I try.

Nothing.

Everything is NOTHING.

When the session ends, I don’t move.

I stare at the corner of the desk for-I don’t know how long.

When I stand my leg muscles feel stiff. I can’t bend my legs or move my joints.

I almost fall.

My body is gone for 4 hours.

Dissociation. Hmm? Means I couldn’t take it. Means… it was that bad.

I take the emotions out of a lot of things. I can turn that off but the body is something I’ve never witnessed. I was gone but also there. Inside the shell. In the hallow space that was left.

My mind is so powerful. Not even I could turn it back on. It wasn’t easy. I think about the experience all day. I replay it over and over.

The emotions don’t come back until the end of the day. When I’m in the shower.

The shampoo rinses down my body and again I am heavy.

The grief takes me to my knees and I’m sobbing. I don’t know what I’m grieving. I couldn’t explain what I’m crying about.