12/10/2018
This wasn’t the goal
I was never suppose to be here
It started off as a familiar place
But now, I don’t understand
The hole is quicksand
My wrists are stained
My body aches for the flooding burn
This isn’t who I was suppose to be
She is on the path to becoming a memory
12/10/2018
You’re on a ride
The kind that goes straight up and drops straight down
Your palms begin to clam up
Your thoughts slow down as your pulse speeds up
The bitter taste begins to coat your tongue
Why did you agree to go on this ride?
But,
You didn’t
You never chose this ride
Before you finish the thought the support beneath you fails
You are enveloped in total fear
Your chest is being crushed, air isn’t getting in
The weight of the universe is coming down on you
All the nerves and muscles in your body tense
They’re in balls
So tight the pain is physical as much as it is mental
The nausea floods your throat
How do I get off this ride?
12/10/2018
I’m often in conflict with my mind. At this point, I feel it’s a constant war. The overwhelming feeling… it’s going to consume me.
These days my eyes fill with tears too easily and they fall so seamlessly down my face.
Before I know it, I’m drenched.
The clothes on my body become heavy and I’m swimming in them, swimming in a pool of my own relentless pain.
12/8/2018
The dark cloud that has followed me most of my life has taken on an entire new form.
One I don’t recognize.
This new form is so much stronger than before.
I am suffocating under the weight of it.
It’s density has begun to fill my lungs.
Oxygen is unable to find it’s way into my body.
With every expansion and contraction, I feel weaker, numb, hopeless.
I’ve spent most of my life fighting off demons- those within me and in this world.
It never mattered how hard the rain came down because I clung onto any hope left in my soul.
Now, as I feel my bones crushing under the weight of this…
I’m left at it’s mercy.
Do I ever conquer these demons or is it a hopeless ambition?
