11/6/2023
The last four days I've felt uneasy
I replay what I shared over and over in my head
Immediately I yell at myself
"Why'd you share that?!"
The anxious thoughts flow
"No one needs to know that"
"What, are you going to go around telling every single thing that has happened?"
"It's too much. No one will believe you."
That's my core fear
I manage memories and the noise on my own
The big things-
Bookmarked things, are what I need help with
This, this is constant static
Background noise of my life
"Why would it need to be shared?"
The big things are hard for me
I can barely manage the work for those
These memories play without my permission
Once they finish they rewind themselves and begin again
I've learned to distance myself
This is how I manage
No one needs to know and I don't let it show
"You're a liar."
"There's no way you lived this."
"Of course no one will believe you."
I feel young, vulnerable
Out of control and powerless
It spilled out of me
Like a hose with built up water
I couldn't turn it off fast enough
And I don't know if all of me is content with it only being background noise
(EMDR Session)
I tell her about my preoccupation with information I shared with my other therapist
How I question if this has really been my life
And how I know others will challenge it too
It's not believable
No one can help me and if it's not believable then what is the point?
I already have targets for EMDR
So I should focus on these
She lets me finish my rant then asks,
"Are the memories distressing?"
I say, "Not really", as I realize I'm again talking about it with another therapist
I'm paying to talk about my lies
She says, "Would you like to do some processing? Doesn't hurt if it's not real or not distressing?"
I think this is brilliant!
I'm almost excited
Eager to catch my lie
I'm a liar who wants to be caught
The targets are made
Again I recount events
We focus on number 1
The beginning...
The ball moves back and forth as I summon the images
I hear the fireworks immediately
I smell him soon after
My arms begin to shake
My breathing is fast and shallow
The tears blur out the ball
I feel stuck
The intensity builds and builds
Then I feel heavy
My body is numb, it's asleep
"I WANT TO DIE"
The thought startles me
She prompts me to follow
But then I feel the thought in my body
The familiar sensation feels real
I want to die, I need to die
I go back to sleep
She prompts me to wake my body and give it a voice
"I'm garbage."
"I'm nothing."
"I'm dirty. Disgusting."
I notice the intense feeling of nausea
I'm going to throw up
My body jerks forward as I try not to throw up on myself
The ball moves back and forth
Heat builds on the right side of my face
I'm preoccupied with the vomit
I try to go back to numb
"I'm here with you. It's ok to be curious."
I think about the vomit
The disgust
The emotion comes in hot, literally
Shame
My whole face and neck are hot
Really hot
"What do you notice?"
My brain scans my body, my emotions, my history
"There's anger" I say surprised
"Yes! Yes! Go with it", she says
I feel this deep vibration in the pit of my stomach rising
It's not vomit
I begin shaking and panting
I'm consumed with rage
"It's anger!"
My head feels like it will shoot right off
"Look at me. We're going to tap"
I don't recall how but I'm grounded
I feel the clamminess of my skin
I'm cold in this chilly room now
I look down at the desk
I mumble, "It was real..."
