12/13/2023

For a moment, the shame came up

I’m in an interesting place

Neither there,… nor here

Sometimes something holds a mirror up

And it reminds me,… wow

I’m using logic and intellectualizing

I’m teaching and consulting

My humanness showed

I felt it grab my wrist to pause me

I was moved by my patient’s story, yes

But specifically, their essence

Their drive to be something more

Even if they can’t describe what it could look like

Just knowing that grieving a life you never had can’t be all life is

It just can’t…

The words come out of my mouth

They slowly built on the canvas

The pause was realizing the canvas was a mirror

I am moved by myself…

There is a slight sting of shame

Worrying about how others may perceive my stories

And use it to measure my competence

Yet, there is also a sense of pride

I’ve done the work so that I could be moved

I am wounded

My stories are sad and full of pain

It’s for me to carry the grief of where I’ve been

I’m proud I’m beginning to choose to carry it as it is

As I am

All parts intact.