1/5/2025
I fantasize about it a lot
It feels so good and devastatingly bad
My ribs ache as he presses them against the sink
I avoid eye contact with myself
He's washing it away...
He knows what I know...
It's not coming off...
It's like rinsing oil off your hands with water
But he tries...
I gag, sometimes vomit over the running water but he never stops
He takes the toothbrush
The mouth wash...
I hate the taste of listerine
I hate scrubbing my tongue...
It's the same protocol each time
He leaves me on the lid...
My soul drips into the toilet...
I can smell it... I can taste it...
Sometimes i’d watch as the red moves and flows into hues of pink
Lose myself in nothing…
Sometimes I'd pray…
I’d make promises- i’d be a good girl
Worthy of his saving, I promise
… i’m not dirty
He killed me
Long before I could even live...
.....
I hated it
I hated him
I hate... me
....
I know him
It's what haunts him today
It oozes out when he drinks
It drives his threats...
I know him...
Like no one else does
With me, he cannot lie
The cost of ending me, is revealing yourself
You cannot take the soul of a child without paying the price
It’s not guilt he is consumed by…
It's the risk of losing power… credibility
You’re just as dirty… as me
I know what he likes...
I know what he hates...
He likes attention
And control
He feeds off your insecurities
He's great at saying a lot without ever really saying anything
He feeds off your pain...
He loves blood...
Especially, when you beg
His tools were always sharp
Always making sure to mark… what he claimed as his…
I carry the weight of my corpse
While he runs wild and free
I fantasize about him begging...
The blood...
The control...
Leaving a mark…
The prolonged execution...
The endorphins rushing through my body
What a high...
What freedom
If his heart stops beating
Mine can stop bleeding...
I watch as the thoughts consume me
Chew me up and spit me out…
Then the same feeling I get from scrubbing my tongue with the toothbrush comes up
Maybe, he left too much of himself in me...
This is when the fantasy shifts
I do not fear them
I welcome them…
If there was a God- this would be the prayer to fulfill
Please let me end here
