2/19/2023

Confusion, defined as:

1. lack of understanding; uncertainty.

2. the state of being bewildered or unclear in one's mind about something.

I’ve always been unclear about my own mind. What is real or fantasy? What is valid or embellished? I’ve desired clarity, understanding, and truth. Longed for it deeply but I only know how to function in spaces of bewilderment. It’s tormenting, but home.

I’ve sought out these needs and connections all my life but I’m not even sure I know what it’ll look like when they arrive.

I’ve always said I wasn’t scared of the monsters in the closet or under the bed but rather the monsters that roam in this world. I hadn’t realized until now that these monsters found a way into my mind. I am terrified of my own mind and it plagues every experience of my life.

The dragon always lied outside the safety of my cave. I knew of its power because once upon a time, it came for mine. I’ve since spent every ounce of energy into hiding, moving, running. If I stop, the dragon finds me and finishes what little I have left. I’m done- lost the fight.

The dragon robbed me of safety and trust. Not just in others or the world but in myself. I’m uncertain of what to trust in the chaos of my mind. What is safe to connect to? What choices are mine?

This cave is cold, it’s dark, and messy. I’ve been able to keep moving and building with the small fire I was able to salvage. I’m driven by things that almost work, it’s just enough to see.

I’m not alone in this cave… there is a monster in here. How could I have missed this one?

The fight has begun.

The dragon is here. He’s come for me.

Is it possible this ember is stronger than I believed it to be? That I’ve misused it?

All I have is this small fire. This spark.

I think, “there’s no fight here”. I’m small, powerless, and uncertain. I’m hollow, a void.

This dragon is massive, loud, and powerful.

I think, “Let him take what’s left”. If I try to fight, the pain of losing again is intolerable.

Please don’t take my ember away…

What would it mean to not be confused?

To be certain? To be powerful?