2/20/2023

Trigger- movie w/ rape scene

Response- crying/sad

Soothed when he rubbed my back. I’m falling asleep.

He wanted to kiss me and put his hand down my pants. I have a high drive though, normally. Our sex is always enjoyable and passionate. My mind is foggy but maybe it’d feel good. Maybe it’ll bring me back.

He stopped-I don’t know why….But he held me then I cried. I don’t know why. I felt sad and gross. Their hands remain marked all over this body.

Anxiety increased before bed. Breathing became shallow. My skin ached with the feel of the air around it. He held me in his lap. He’s trying and it’s nice.

He gets on top of me and spreads my legs. I don’t like it. He wants to love me. Love the pain away.

He kisses me and I move. He grabs my face to kiss some more. My lips are numb- no.

I say, “I don’t want to”.

He’s upset.

He gets off me and sits at the end of the bed.

Repeatedly asked if I want him to leave.

He's yelling

I want to be held….

I hate my mind.

It upsets me and him.

I beg, “please stop” but he won’t. He can’t see me right now. I’m alone.

I want to be held…

I’m alone again… I’m 7… Laying on the mat outside her door. Crying for her. Please come keep me safe from these monsters but she never comes. She never comes.

We try… I rock back and forth, “we can do this”.

I see their faces, I can taste their saliva, I can smell their skin, I can feel their hands. I can feel the pressure in my stomach… between my legs. No, no. I bang my head on the floor and with my hands. Please stop. Please. Please help me.

It’s too real. I hate this mind. I hate it. I hate me.

It consumes me.

My energy is drained. Another night outside her door on this mat…..

He apologizes. He kisses my forehead and holds me. How I love being held.

He admits he took it personally.

I know he loves me. I know it’s a lot. I’m a lot. If I could run away from my mind I would too. He can’t see me when darkness comes… He loses me.

How I long to be held… to be seen….