3/18/2024

“Avoid it at all costs”

The discomfort in my body increases as I ignore this warning

There has always been this urge, this itch to break the rules

The thoughts and feelings came flooding in

I tried to drown them out

I’d say I’ve been successful

There is a large part of me that’d love to stay here

It’d be easier in it’s own way

Like death

I can’t remember if I was born with this feeling or learned it along the way

Feeling ready for death…

The instinct is clear, natural

I suppose the urge to break the rules applies here too, so I stay

She has come back into my life in a way I didn’t expect

Although I was the one who opened the door-

I find myself resisting the consequences

The memories…

I’m in this constant state of irritability

Full of anger, rage, and hate

Lately, it hasn’t ebbed and flowed

I remember what it’s like to want to set the whole world on fire

To want to see the destruction that lives in me elsewhere

Over time you learn to function despite the poison that invades your being

You learn to live with the ghosts that plague your mind

You get use to screaming and realizing everyone around you is deaf

Feeling like no matter how hard and how loud you scream, no one can hear you

Your suffering does not exist, YOU do not exist

I work to learn the sign language

Only to discover, ah- they’re blind too

I’m trapped in this box

Surrounded by people

And not one knows who I am