3/28/2024
As I pull the cork out, I awknowledge how much I have compartmentalized in the recent months
I’ve been holding my breath….
Sometimes it works pretty well
I thought I’d pull through
I couldn’t recount all the times i’ve been a shell of a person and have managed to just get shit done
It's not about my abilities
There’s no choice…
I’ve learned to function this way
Not understanding who I was or where home was
I’m tired of being the wounded friend
The wounded relative or coworker
There has to be others like me
No matter how hard I run…
I somehow find myself at the starting line…
The noise is at max volume and I can awknowledge they were coming for me
I tried my best to fight them off
To be clear, my best may not be yours
I’m exhausted with trying to keep this image up
We all have mess
And maybe mine is less socially acceptable or hard to look at, i dont know… but it’s mine
It got me this far… no?
It took some time to digest
I saw it in her face
The look of pity…
I hate that look but I told myself I was wrong in that appraisal
When I opened the sheet of paper, I was disappointed at how accurate my reading was
I guess I just moved
I don’t know if there was a thought or feeling
I text him immediately because I couldnt call him
He was expecting the call…
And I wanted to call but with great news. My pride couldn’t face whatever reaction was waiting on the other end
The hopeful and supportive energy
The encouraging words of second chances
And I don’t mean to invalidate this support
I’ve been in those shoes too
What can you say?
I just mean it’s pebbles being thrown at the demon that lives in me
Does nothing…
No one’s louder than the demon
At first, I think there may be an objective way to see this
Maybe someone who understands this process can launch more of a boulder at what’s spreading…
Quickly I realize i’m alone with the demon
There is no one else
There never was or will be
This is my fight
And one I quiet honestly, couldn’t give two shits about right now
So I walk right in front of the demon
I lay on my back and beg for the ending…
I did the deep breathing
The tapping, rocking, and reframing
It doesn’t work
Not always…
And I suppose this makes me feel more like an imposter when I sit across people trying to enforce these skills
It could work for some but I know all to well-
Sometimes…
You’re just fucked…
I get it, but how do you tell a client that?
Sometimes the only way to care for yourself is getting loaded
And yes, I don’t want to encourage this in someone else but in me, it just quiet honestly fucking works
My breathing slows down as I focus on sweet taste, the heat
The tears stop and I can feel the muscles in my face relax
Leaving behind the throbbing
I don’t intend to hurt others
I don’t intend to take you with me
I hear my father crying and I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself
Feeling your son look for the right reaction in this situation… even in this state I couldn’t make myself better for him…
I can’t look at them…
The thought gets louder
So does my desire
I’m exhausted
