4/9/2024

Maybe the point is all this is... proof 

Evidence to what I've been saying

That things don't come easy to me despite what others say

To prove that I worked hard for the things I've accomplished

This narrative that, “things come easy” to me

That I have to check my brain privilege

That I'm "just more mature"

Countless times I've had this conversation

Like this is something I stumbled upon

Giving the credit of all my work to chance

I was born shitting and crying like everyone else

Actually, I wasn't breathing

So maybe you could say I started this race a couple breaths behind

My life experiences taught me maturity

And sometimes I think, "I'd gladly trade the cost of this for ignorance"

I exposed myself to new things

I teach myself

I research, I read

I learn how to do things for myself and when I don't quite get it-I try again

I built this brain

And I don't say this in a cocky way

It's by no means is, “the best” out there

That's my point

I did all these things all the while also heavily killing my brain cells

Self-sabotaging and quitting

Hating myself and often contemplating a way out

I try not to ask unhelpful questions like, "Why?"

But rather, "What am I supposed to gain from this? What can I use from this?"

And I'm thinking, "Here it is..."

Here's the proof

That I wasn't born this way

And sometimes no matter how hard you train and prep

You will keep checking that 6ft wall

Until maybe one day.... you clear it