3/4/2023

I feel like an idiot.

Time after time I gave you my love.

I believed you were good at your core.

I believed in the love you said you had for me.

You weren't man enough for what I had to offer.

You couldn't step up but were too selfish to walk away...

I spent months trying to understand why my panic attacks came back with such intensity. I felt like my body and mind were against me. My mind and body were warning me that I wasn't safe with you. I never was and maybe I felt I deserved that... I feel grateful for the wisdom my mind and body have given me. I know who was speaking to me now.

She was calling out from the parts I abandoned long ago. Hidden away in the darkness because there were others before you who came for control...Never to love.

I am ready to come home to Her.

You broke my heart. Betrayed my trust.

But believe me, I will rise again.

I have come back from much worse...Each time never understanding how I ever got backup.

But it is Her, it is me. We are the life-force no lost or ill soul can break.

You come to collect from my power and wisdom. It's luring to all but out of reach to the small.

I finally understand. This is for Her.

You cannot touch Her. You cannot scare Her.

You cannot break Her.

She has me now. She got me this far but I'm taking it the rest of the way...

I'm only sorry it has taken me this long to see the strength in Her cries... The wisdom in Her pain... The love in the ember She keeps...

She can rest now. I promise I got Her...

And in the end, maybe I'm not the idiot. Maybe I'm courageous. Despite the hand I was giving in this lifetime I have never held back in love. I love authentically and fearlessly. Not you or anyone else will ever take that away from me.

This, this is what you lost.