6/13/2024
It’s like someone latched a 30 pound weight to my neck. I hate anniversaries. A year can seem like a long time because so much can happen in a year. But, it’s not long enough for some wounds. If I’m honest, I haven’t done much to heal this one.
He left right at the end of a chapter and in the build up for the next. There was so much going on and I guess I’ve been hoping this was only a year away from him. Some vacation that I’d come back from. I know I’m different because I don’t feel the same excitement when I see other dogs.
I’ve tried not to think of him. To push away all the memories in hope the pain follows behind. I moved his album of pictures from my phone into an external hard-drive that sits in my closet. Try as might, I still remember.
His paws smelt like Fritos and people always thought I was a little weird for inhaling his toe beans any chance I got. He had his own scent and I can’t find it anywhere. Most people like paws but I loved his nose. It was my favorite thing to look at. As a puppy he was small enough to fit in a pocket so since day one we showered together. Originally, it was more about killing two birds with one stone but it became our thing. He’d run in and out of the waterfall falling from my body. Playing and then sometimes sitting under it with his eyes closed. After his scrub and rinse, he’d sit on the bath mat waiting for me. He made showers fun for me again… at least with him. I miss how attached he was to me…and I to him…
Animals have their own personalities and his was pretty silly. It was a perfect match for me. He’d get bursts of energy and skip around the room until he got my attention. And when I got my hyper bursts- he’d jump right in. He’d zoom around me until I’d giggle and let out a big hyena laugh, then he’d be satisfied.
I loved the way he’d stare at me. He was small but he loved me big and not just when I had bacon or a toy in my hand. I know he did because his eyes looked the same even in the hard moments…
His entrance into my life was much like his exist, a surprise. We were inseparable from the start and so the match was made.
Nights are always hard for me. My body begins to tense up as the sky turns from hues of pinks, purples, and blues, to black. My breathing gets shallow and quick. He use to do this thing where he’d lay on my chest covering my neck like a scarf. He’d wiggle and snuggle into me. He made sure to remain steady for me. He’d just wait till I could focus on his breathing and until I could pet him or catch my breath. He guarded me all night…
Some times he’d cry with me… but he never let me go too deep. He’d patiently wait for me to come back and loved me all the same. No one’s ever sat with me through an entire panic attack. Least not before him. Not without getting scared or mad at me throughout it. They can last hours and there isn’t much anyone can do to help. I learned early on that no one comes to help you. You just have to hide and wait out the monsters. But he refused to ever be away from me in these moments. Even if I tried to protect him from me and push away everything. He’d wait out the monsters with me.
Today’s the one year anniversary of me waiting them out alone.
