7/29/2023

(Dream)

I didn’t want to look at it again. I didn’t think I needed too. He’d cross my mind for only brief moments. Like a breeze passing by. I didn’t think I felt anything. There was just this concluding bitterness. Deflated all the interest I had to be curious about love. The shock turned into grief, into questions…

The hope consumed me. It transformed me into the version I needed to be to have that hope fulfilled. To meet the demands of the journey. The journey wasn’t known but I believed I found someone to discover it with. The parts of myself invested in the journey left with him. They faded with him. The story could have gone many ways…

He's standing in front of me. Expecting me to let him back in. He shows no remorse and no accountability. I recognize him but at the same time I don’t. He is also no longer the version he needed to be for our story. Those parts have left him too. Even though it hurts to let it go and trying to force a different ending is tempting. I know it’s gone… I have to let him go because we cannot move backwards. We are now different versions and these don’t intersect. We aren’t going to be the loves of each other’s lives. There is no “meant to be”. There isn’t really a reason for some stories ending. Sometimes they just do and you let it go.

I awake in grief. Sweating and gasping for balance.