7/28/2023

I’m beginning to understand.

I know it to be true.

Simply because I feel it to be true.

I’ve refused to reread old chapters.

Claimed I knew them so well I could recite every detail.

Yet, this excavation has proved I’ve known nothing.

I’ve known the story assigned to each detail.

That’s it.

The story helped me survive.

Suffering was the cost.

This time, the story doesn’t cost me a thing.

In fact, I’m receiving- no longer giving.

I can see Her. She keeps coming back.

I’ve fought to pretend not to see her.

She scared me.

And maybe she still kinda does.

But in the way of real admiration.

What a force.

Yes, She’s messy.

She’s dark and ugly.

Even crazy.

She needed to be and for once…

I feel grateful She is.

She got me out.

I owe her my peace.

I will no longer deny her access to what she fought for.

And I will no longer deny my access to Her.

Sometimes you need mess.

Sometimes you need the dark and ugly.

And sometimes you need a little crazy.

Life’s just not that black and white.