9/1/2023

(Letter to the sister I always wanted and finally found)

I’ve always been able to feel her

This made it easy for me to find her when she retreated into corners

I could see her despite the walls she put in place

I understood that kind of fear

Walls only built in response to wounds I know all too well are easier forgotten

She was easy to love. Despite my own reservations with intimacy

She found her way into my heart without my knowing

The first time I witnessed her walls drop I was flooded with grief

It pained me to watch her river flow

That’s when I knew I loved her

Because without thinking, I dropped my guard to show her some of my mess

To meet her in her suffering

I risked harm and received acceptance instead

I have loved her ever since

Our connection is quietly rooted

It’s unspoken-beneath the surface yet so obvious

I’ve been running all my life and I may never stop

But I’m learning to pause

Trying to articulate my thoughts and emotions is challenging

Have patience as I find my way

In the moments of pause, I am flooded with all the things that come from knowing you

I do not know your thoughts or feelings but I can feel the love you mercilessly shower me in

It overwhelms me in these pauses

You may not know the darkness of my mind

Might not know all the ugly and broken but I have given you glimpses

And you have loved me despite it all

I abandoned parts of myself long ago

I believed these parts were unlovable

I banished Her in forbidden exhibits

I couldn’t feel any compassion for Her

I’m beginning to understand something you always have

Thank you for loving Her when I couldn’t

You’ve helped me heal in ways I never thought I deserved

Instead of giving up you only loved me harder

I don’t know how my story ends but there are things you have to know before I go

I know our love is unspoken but it is worthy of words

In the last 13 years I have seen countless layers of change in you

The timeline is beautiful to me

Much in the way that art is- unintentional and resulting in magic

I think you’re beginning to see that for yourself and that brings me great joy

I’ve spent so much of my life scared

I’ve spent it believing I was small

I was stuck in a time where I was small, defenseless, and unwanted

I’ve moved through spaces accepting this narrative although secretly desiring to be wanted

To be loved

Yet, knowing nothing about what it looked like only what it wasn’t

I’ve feared touch, love, intimacy. I feared being known because even though I want it-

It meant risking another injury

Another disappointment

My life left me fearful, depressed, but also angry

Without the anger I wouldn’t be here.

Anger moves you. It was my fuel

You can’t move in spaces of fear or grief, but anger drives you to fight

I’m tired. Always so tired but I don’t want to be scared anymore

Not with you

I don’t believe there’s a need for that

I don’t want to withhold

I want to be recklessly raw

It needs to be said for me to be at peace

Not just in life but in death

I’ve watched you use your words like blades and cut yourself down

I’ve watched you struggle to find yourself

I watched you fight to see your worth

I could never see the things you saw

But how could you describe colors to someone who’s always been blind?

I guess I understood that kind of blindness

You can’t explain it or teach it

It needs to be seen and lived

I’m happy to know you

I’m lucky to be loved by you

Thank you for being my family.