8/25/2023

The nightmare started as abruptly as it ended. Starts and ends with the sound of a door opening. 

I wake up sweaty. My chest is tight and my stomach aches. I notice the roaming tension in my body as I sit up. "What the fuck?" Is my first thought. 

I summon the memory of the nightmare in search of what it means. But the brief images and sound intensify the fear in my body. 

The vomit fills my throat. What is it with the vomit man? I head to the restroom. As the vomit sinks back the grief rises. "A fucking door?" "What is it with a fucking door?" 

Doors opening and closing do briefly startle me. Even if they aren't slammed. If I can't anticipate it then it does bother me but it's so mild I never thought much of it. Or maybe I'm just used to it. Doors are everywhere and they all open and close. The sound of a door will make me sit up right... doesn't it do that for everyone?

I feel sad thinking of this. Can't connect it to a thought but it's sadness. I feel the need to cry. "Poor kid man". I think of Her. 

Doors. They're bookmarks for the openings between spaces. They could represent freedom. A form of escape from the space you're in. A transition. They're also privacy. Good and bad privacy. Good when you're standing alone behind the door. Bad when the danger is there with you. Then the door serves as concealment but not in the sense of protection. Just invisibility...

Sometimes they come with locks. That could mean safety if you're alone. If you're locked in, it could mean trapped...Or lonely. Real profound loneliness... 

A door is like gunfire at the start of a swim match.The notice of something beginning. "Be ready for what is to come" it says.  I'm anxious writing this. My hands feel numb. My chest is very heavy. 

I'm trying to calm my brain. Ok, so it's the notice of something to come. What kind of somethings?

Violence. Chaos. Abuse. Violation. Death. Surrender. Fear.Suffering. 

My hands are shaking. Breathe...I'm staring at this office door. I put the nightmare away but all these doors today... Doors everywhere! Suddenly I notice them and they're everywhereeeeee.  

Ok, but this one is closed. I'm alone. I'm safe. No one is coming in. I control when it opens...

Breathe...

More somethings...

Loss of control.No safety.Anxiety.War. Frozen.Pain.Aches.Blood.Punishment. Soreness. Bruises. Tenderness. Disconnection from myself.

Open doors welcomed these things. My doors didn't have locks. They allowed scary things... scary people... to transition. To enter into my space. In and out whenever they pleased. The sound of the latch retreating from the door frame was my queue. That's my gunfire. I jump into the pool....I go from yellow to green...Prepare for impact. 

I'm trembling. My body remembers. I know She's here. She's trying to warn me. 

I hear you. These fucking doors let in so much crap. What do you want me to know about these doors? 

My hands are trembling. I need to help Her. I place one hand on my forehead and the other on my chest. I'm trying to align my mind and soul with Her. What happened surprised me.I tell her, "I know you're scared and warning me. It's scary and it scares me too. You've been brave but now we have each other. I promise I'm trying to listen. 

I love you xxxxx" 

It rolled off my tongue like the most natural thing to say. I've never said that. Not even in my head. Never felt it. But I did say it. It was my voice and I felt it to be true. I open my eyes and look at my hands. They've stopped trembling. I'm crying.