9/13/2024
Tonight, I think I understand the concept of “liquid courage”
The reward has always been at the end of a bottle
I have needed the courage to run
You told me to pay attention…
The switch flipped
The images blended
The here and now is all mixed up
It’s calling for memories of the past
The sharp pain hits my diaphragm
Like a game of carnival high stricker
I bite into my lip
Gauging my pain tolerance
I taste iron
But I smell it too…
No, no, no
So we clean the mess
But the mess continues in me…
The air felt prickly that night
The kind of atmosphere that makes your shoulders instantly tight
I don’t remember what I did wrong
But I remember being different
I built it up for months
I was convinced the information would trigger something I’d have to survive
In that passenger seat, in that parking lot, of that mall
I held my breath and said it
His excitement was something I didn’t expect
It scared me more than what I had anticipated
I don’t remember why we were there
But in this store…
I wondered around the clothes
Trying to feel my way back into this world
“… Are you okay?” she mouthed at me
Her face, specifically her lips are forever etched in my brain
I don’t think I responded
Before I could even decide if I wanted to
His face found mine
I spent the rest of the day thinking about her
What was it about us that pushed her to ask?
What was it about me?…
There was no one else to tell
Nothing anyone could do
I tried to convince him we needed the confirmation
Finally he took me…
I remember the options the nurse gave me
But she didn’t know who was waiting for me in that waiting room
She couldn’t understand
His excitement overpowered my fear
Something shifted
This was wrong
What kind of a mother would choose him?…
Again my brain created memories of the future
Memories they would have of the ways he made a room smell like iron
The way my brain would make noises like hammered out metal
I spent weeks disappointed in who I was
In the choices I had made
Honestly, I spent weeks hoping this would all go away
That’s where I still get stuck today…
The guilt is webbed into the reality of my freedom
I wished for this…
For the problem to go away…
I have never known my place
Not as a child
Not as a teenager
Not today
I didn’t speak when I met you
Yet, I said more than I ever should’ve
I think I may have wanted to see their worst
I wanted to see his
So there were no surprises
He was great at surprises…
I remember the grey bedding
I don’t know what I objected to
But time slowed down…
I anticipated the strike
The mattress launched me into the second
I remember the smell of the room… the sheets
The floor smelled like pine-sol
Instantly, I regretted my choice
The feeling was different
Something shifted or opened
It allowed fear to enter my body
But it wasn’t for me…
He forgot all about his excitement
I tried…
But the blows came in past my knees
Past my arms…
My head was left open
… I promise I tried…
The room filled with the smell of metal
But not like the metal I knew
The pain launched into my throat
Suddenly the nightmare… wasn’t a nightmare
The tile outlined my efforts
They were gone…
I knew they were
I spent weeks hoping for this
Why did it feel so wrong?
He was angry
I could smell it
I tried to sift through the puddles
Like as if the fragments of DNA could be put back together
He would correct it
He would teach me the importance of my place…
And over and over again he tried to bring you back
On that cold tile floor
Then on the itchy grey comforter
And I let him…
Try and to fix my mistake…
