9/15/2024
Once I realized I had lost my voice
I spent years trying to find where I had left it
I thought if I could pinpoint the exact moment
Then it would just snap back in place
I’m not sure if I lost it in one moment
Or if the accumulation of moments faded out my vocal cords
I’m not even sure if I lost it
That sounds too passive
Like I didn’t even try to fight for it
It was taken…
When I think of my voice
Of my pain
An opinion or thought
It’s accompanied by a memory of this feeling
Of this terror laced with stillness
That stillness, laced with peace
Isolation
Calmness in nothing
For as long as I can remember I have feared darkness
My heart rate still spikes as the sun begins to set
As a kid, this feeling was beyond terrifying
I was consumed and convinced I was in danger
I can’t say She was wrong
But even on the nights the monsters slept
She couldn’t find comfort in that safety
There use to be this bolt lock on my parent’s door
You locked it from inside the room
My door had a lock too actually…
I tried really hard to be brave
I wasn’t as good then at swallowing my feelings
But I knew it would infuriate her if I didn’t
I could feel her waiting for a tear to drop
For my face to shift
I’d make it up until the lights were switched off all over the house
I’d sit up very still trying to make myself have night vision
Trying to smell and feel someone pushing through the air in the room
She just knew someone was there
I knew better than to touch her
I knew better than to cry in front of her
I knew I wouldn’t find what I wanted
What I needed…
But I just really needed someone to keep me safe
Back and forth I’d have arguments in my head
Debating when the fear would be real enough to try
At what point was it worth begging?
My stomach would knot up
The sharp pain in my chest felt like I was dying
"My mommy wouldn’t want that”…
I suppose She thought…
Then She’d call out for her
Louder and louder
Until She realized no one was coming
There were no footsteps down the hall
No locks or doorknobs clicking
The pain of the rejection was always deflating
Her screams just echoed back at Her
It filled Her with shame, embarrassment
Shame for being weak
Embarrassment for needing someone
Unconsciousness took over when there was no more liquid left
No more energy left…
There are different versions for different nights
But this night, was the night of the doormat
She made her way on Her hands and knees
Trying to control Her breathing
“She hates when I make too much noise…”
But gasping was the only way air came in
She makes it just past the door
On the carpet She tries to find comfort
She’s awake and furious
We are stupid and annoying
We are pathetic
We must stop crying…
We try for more contact
We climb into bed
But only at her feet to keep some distance
Her warmth begins to feel soothing
Maybe she will let us stay if we don’t move
Unfortunately, we’ve been crying too long
My lungs involuntarily gasp for air
She kicks me repeatedly
I fight to hold on longer
But I’m not strong enough, and it hurts…
She drags us outside the room
Drops us off on the doormat
… Like my biological mother did in the dumpster behind a McDonalds…
We are unwanted garbage
The bolt on the door clicks
I’m sore and tired
I’m scared and frozen
There is no fight left
I continue to cry on the mat for sometime
But when she comes to kick on the door
The numbness take over
This is where the terror turns to stillness
In the silence I find calm in the acceptance
I surrender to the end of me
I begin to pray for it as I fall asleep…
I wonder if my lips felt numb then too…
