9/15/2023

I feel odd in my own body lately

This started recently but not sure exactly when

Maybe in the last month or so

I image this feeling is what babies' feel when they first notice their hands and feet

Noticing you have legs and awkwardly trying to learn to use them

I feel odd because it feels different

It's not that it's not authentic

It's odd that it is

I noticed the difference when I'm alone

But I'm more aware of it in interactions

I think maybe from the outside it looks like being "bubbly"

I'm definitely still hidden in many ways

I generally don't like people

I prefer interactions with a selected few

Lately, it just seems less draining

Maybe that's not a good description

People can still be very draining

I guess I have a better understanding of my objective in the interactions

Sounds like manipulation

Probably is honestly

But I know I rather not be there or have the conversation

I just got good at finding something rewarding about it

I really don't know what this is yet

I've always been fine talking to people

I can put on a front and engage in mindless small talk that slowly drains me

I know how to make others feel seen, heard

Get them to keep talking about themselves so they don't ask me any questions

I found ways to make people think they know me

Feel like they do without ever really knowing much

That all still seems the same

Something just FEELS different