9/15/2023

Grief

I’m learning to take a peek at what I’ve buried long ago. Opening a time capsule. I’ve found intensity.

I resisted the reality. I couldn’t speak the truth so creating a different story was easier. Made losing my voice easier.

As I grieve the life I’ve had. All the emotions overtake me. I’m not safe from fear or shame. There is less resistance now.

I don’t seek retribution or revenge. I ache for Her.

I grieve for Her.

I explore what I might need.

I want to put it down. I want my voice back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t.

These facts about my life are ugly.

None of us are perfect or good all the time. I’ve struggled with hating my baggage and mistakes. It’s not my responsibility to shield others from their mistakes. I’ve had to face my own. Who you were or are in my life is just a split second on an eternal timeline. Whether you are the good or bad guy in my story. It’s just fact. You can’t argue actions and behaviors but you can argue their meaning. Try to justify them.

This is my lived expereince of you in that moment and time. I’ve felt so crazy all my life. Confused about how I felt because I couldn’t be so messed up. I must have created it from thin air. I’m messy because my life was hard. Very hard… Crazy helped me survive it.

She saved my life.