9/20/2023
Tonight’s a waxing crescent moon
I take a deep breath
Filling my lungs with poison
I walk into his house
My nostrils fill with nostalgia
Smells like him
Like well-read books
Worn out shelves of movies
I feel him lighten up as his eyes find my face
Again, I’m hit with the realization I misinterpreted my importance
His smile is so big, I can’t help but smile back
He looks much better than the last time I saw him
He asks about my life
He grins at the ceiling as I describe my home
“I’m so proud of you. Man, I’m. so. Proud”
His face begins to blur
I thank him
But he doesn’t let me dismiss it
“You beat the standard”
He reminds me of where statistics placed my limits
“I don’t mean this in a bad way. You have every right to be proud of yourself”
I can’t help but shed a few tears
I don’t know a life without him in it
He has no relation to me
No blood ties us together
In fact, he comes from a different world
He’s known for his grumpiness
His rigidness
He’s lived so much of his life alone
Strict, stoic, particular
But I could always feel his kindness
We understood each other’s need for silence
He allowed me to enter his life on my terms
Filling my memories with moments of respite
Giving me access to one of my escapes, water
He states, “I hope you think of the good things”
But there’s only good things…
Trips to bars at noon for the best burgers
Corn on the cobb on a barbecue after a swim
Excitement over picking a movie off his museum of movies
He doesn’t call me family
Family has left him with wounds lasting 88 years
He’s my family though
He’s my grandpa
See, I’ve been lucky to have three grandfathers
Losing my paternal grandfather threw a bomb into my life
Shifting the foundation so profoundly I had to rebuild
Maybe my grandfather knew I needed more time
Maybe he knew he needed family
Whatever the reason, I know it was destiny
Meant to be just as it was and has been
He’s a grouch so he’d never show it
But he asks about me
He worries
Watches over me
Ready to step in if needed
He signs every card, “your friend, xxx“
Never missing an opportunity to hand me my $2 bill
I have an envelope full of these bills
His gift from Japan hasn’t moved an inch
Faded from the sun now, I know it’s his $2 bill
“I’m lucky to know someone who’s smart. As smart as you”
“You might not think you’re a big deal but it is a very big deal”
He tells me he hopes he’s around to see what I’m about to do next
I restrain myself from leaping onto his body
We go back to familiar humor and sarcasm
He’s never spoken like this
I wasn’t ready for it
I was ready for the grumpy
I realize, I must prepare for what is to come
The loss of my two abuelos…
The clock ticks louder
I’m not ready to lose another grandpa
That’s the big deal
