9/19/2023
(EMDR Session)
It’s been three days
I hear myself rate the memory as a 0
Part of me believes it
But there’s a quieter, more sinister part that knows that’s not true
I hope she doesn’t see this part
But she does
The ball moves back and forth
I notice, irritability
She’ll see, there’s nothing
I notice tingling in my chest
The ball goes back and forth
There’s this sharp pinch on my collarbone and it spreads
Like water, it moves around my skin
It’s uncomfortable
Feels like hitting your funny bone but the intensity doesn’t die out
And it’s on every inch of skin
The ball goes back and forth
She prompts me and I follow guidance
The sensation is intolerable
It’s moving everywhere
It’s like my skin isn’t part of me and I need to detach from it
I need to peel it off
I find myself like a stone
The current tortures me as my fear becomes muffled
There is a hole in my chest
I can’t move my head to see
But I can’t feel anything
It’s like something took a chunk of my chest out
I attempt to move my arms and legs but it’s so heavy
My face feels rigid
I try to move my jaw and forehead
I’m disconnected
Offline
I’m prompted
My voice is hard to find
Irritation finds me again as I struggle to say, “it’s the same”
The ball goes back and forth
She asks me to speak
I have nothing to say
Suddenly my jaw is trembling
The air is hard to reach for
The tears soak my face
The ball goes back and forth
The current moves over every pore intensifying with every attempt to breathe
My hands and legs began shaking uncontrollability
The noise begins to increase in volume
I’m bracing for impact
I boil over and in between gasps I find the word
“RUN”
Like a light switch, I’m off again
I don’t know how
But I’m heavy
My breathing feels so slow
My limbs are asleep
The ball goes back and forth
The ball blurs out
It’s a nicer feeling
I feel sleepy
She won’t let me stay here
“Find Her”
“Take Her hand and run”
This place is limiting but my skin isn’t crawling away from me
The vibrating stops here
But I try
I’m on the sidewalk
Staring at the house, at the driveway
I can hear Her
I take steps towards the drive way
I feel She grips my hand
I close my eyes
Her hand intensifies the voices
I can’t move
The ball moves back and forth
I try
My legs won’t move
Her hand is like a weight
I feel the scream start from a place that’s never ending
“I can’t!”
Panic sets in
The ball stops
I can’t focus on the prompts
The voices are too loud
I’m so heavy but my body is trembling
I can’t pry my jaw open
She keeps trying
Please don’t leave me here…
I’m overwhelmed with the desire to die
She helps me
Takes the shovel and begins scoping loads of this stuff into the vault
Eventually, I pick one up
I’m shoveling the shit
We return Home
The stalls muffle the noise
The smell of the dirt and horse hair brings me back
I double check the vault
I get up and feel grateful for the distance
I fill my glass and stay offline
