9/2/2024
He's ignoring me when it starts
I'm in trouble for something I don't quite understand
The noise gets louder as the night builds
I spend the night attempting to drown it out
Convincing myself I'm invested in those around me
I do my best to hide the reality of where my mind is
It's easy in the motions of the party
He comes to find me on the balcony
I'm not quick enough at apologizing for the thing I don't understand
But he says he forgives me anyways
He's grabbing at me playfully
But it hurts...
His touch is laced with his frustrations of me
I idiotically think he will stop if he knows
The energy switches
His frustration and annoyance bring up the shame in myself
Yes,... again I'm here
Yes, I'm sorry
He tells me to just stop thinking about it
That my problem is thinking too much
He explains it was so long ago
Like I don't spend every day thinking about how long I've carried this for
On the drive home I slip away
He asks about the memories that come up
He wants to know details
Like I'm remembering an old lover
My mind can't sort it out
It's like a fork scraping down a plate
The noise never makes sense out of my head
I'm not responding
His hand grips my thigh harder and harder
When the car stops I try to get more space
He grabs my arm and guides me to his apartment
He tells me I'm safe
He begs me to stop
That it pains him to see me hurt
Tells me I'm pushing his love away
Inside, he places a blanket around me
I feel the tension in my shoulders drop for a moment
He comes back into the room... driven
Begging me to let him fix it
To let him love me
If only it were that easy to tape over
He attempts to pick me up
I drop all my weight to the floor
Hoping I melt into the cracks of the laminate
Hoping I become invisible
Why can't he understand me?
Why can't he see me?
Why can't I be anything but broken?
He's angry now
He grabs my arms and begins to drag me
........................
The cold water brings me back
I have a splitting headache
My jaw is tight and immobile
He's sitting on the toilet lid facing the floor
He tells me he loves me without looking at me
He tells me he's sorry
That he'll try better
He gives me privacy to remove the wet clothes
I climb in bed desperate to be loved and kept safe
In a few hours I'm crying from the weight of him
I don't have the energy to fight
And maybe he's right
Maybe I'm not letting his love fix me...
