9/2/2024
They'll say, "he wasn't always like this"
"It wasn't bad till it was bad"
But I would argue some of us know
I knew...
There's always a part of me hoping to die
Hoping to be finished off
I'm drawn towards death
Alongside it is the conflicting part
I think they can smell that conflict
Being easy prey is the shame I can't unstick
He killed me in the ways you stay awake for
In the ways you're still alive for
Now I carry the cadaver around
She's tied to me for eternity
The back and forth in me creates delusions
Your reality becomes distorted
Your brain has learned to create fantasies to survive reality
But, then it never turns off
It's constantly on to help make living more digestible
You create narratives you can live with
You find the fantasy in everything
You believe so deeply that you're the ugliest thing in the room
You're the most rotten
That you refuse to see it in them
When he says, "it was an accident"
"It won't happen again"
"Don't make me out to be the bad guy"
You buy it
Because it speaks to the part of you convinced you can make someone love you
I replay the love I lacked in them
Determined to prove my existence wasn't a mistake…
That I am of value
That even if you couldn't love me at first... I could show you that you could in time
Not because I believed they were mistaken but because I had hoped to be redeemable
When you need them most is when you watch their frustration grow
They're convinced the way to fix the things that plague my mind is them
They must show me
Love me harder…
I don't know what it is about that
I suppose I'm not a willing participant in my own healing
Through the begging they persist
The fabric burns as it rubs across my skin
His hands make bruises on my body
Over and over and over I feel their hands
All of them roaming my body
The sensations never fail to return for me
They're accompanied by memories of myself....
The sensations of my limbs becoming weak
Of my muscles, giving up
The memories of them return with images of me...
The sounds of my voice
Not just of the things I say but emotions they deliver
Her screams echo in my skull…
The feelings of my body shrinking
The begging...
The way all my strength falls short
The longing for real death
Over and over she plays her song over the tracks of their hands
