12/5/2023

I don’t know where to air this out

Finding the words is challenging

It’s isolating

I’ve been experiencing what I can best describe as “social anxiety”

It’s nothing I’ve ever had challenges with

Lately, it’s something I’ve noticed around peers

I’m aware that my self-concept creates a narrative of “not belonging”

I work to check it

To give myself grace and time

“I’m new, I’m still learning, I’m in training”

But it’s not going away…

And I’m beginning to think it won’t go away

The differences…

I struggle relating, connecting, making friends…

I’m ashamed to admit I struggle making friends with peers…

My peers don’t feel like peers

I’ve been lonely all my life

I’m sat with the feeling to explore why this is so bothersome

I guess, part of me was hoping this loneliness and disconnection was due to not finding my “clique”

And this is it, right?

So, I no longer can justify this experience

I don’t know how to joke with them

I pretend laugh

I struggle to find things in common

I hate that all conversations remain as small talk

It’s awkward

Feels like no one gets my personality

I feel I’m playing dress up

Like no one in the room truly believes I’m a peer

The only thing in common we seem to have is picking the same profession

Humor has been my best tool

Not just with my survival but in dealing with trivial things like small talk

It feels like I’m speaking a different language

No one finds me funny

Why is everything so serious?

Maybe I’ve been fortune enough to get by without “social anxiety”

And I’m now struggling to deal with something so new to me

No matter how many different rooms I fight to get in…

I’m still,… alone