8/20/2023

She can't be trusted with not hurting me.

So, if I don't give myself to her she can't.

And if she can't, I can see her without being in her line of fire.

I couldn't see her before. Even when I thought I could by letting myself feel the grief of anger.

I let myself explore the sadness until I discovered the rage.

In the rage I felt the depth of my pain.

I could see the anger came from an active wound.

One caused by my own mother.

I'd be justified in hating the women who gave me life.

It all began to loosen when I acknowledged, "I don't like her".

But that rage also blinded me.

I have stopped handing her the keys to the car.

She can't help but crash, so I drive.

A tingling feeling rushes over my body as I think, "I like her like this".

I realize I can not only love her but I can like her.

Just not as my mother.

I needed a mother but I no longer do.

The all-consuming desire has dissipated.

My soul can't reach her but it can see her.

I can watch her.

I can witness her fears, struggles, barriers, and limits.

I can love her as she lingers there.

And I can like her for all the ways she finds joy in that world.

It's ok mom. I got me now.

I can accept you like this.

Just as you are.

You can have access to my warmth without controlling it.

We can experience each other in that warmth and know we have learned how our connection works.

Appreciating the connection we have and letting go of the one we'd hope to have.

I forgive you.

I like you mom.