12/9/2023

This week I’ve noticed a change in the way my chest burns at the mention of his name

The burn is more of an ache

Perhaps I’ve become more acquainted with my grief

I could chose to stay angry about the betrayal and lack of honesty

I could decide I want retribution or revenge

None of this has appealed to me

And I believe it’s why there was nothing more to say…

I watch the faces of my loved ones twist with disgust

I observe how their speech becomes pressured and louder

Yet, I cannot find it in me

I picked this man

No one else but me

I made the conscious choice to gamble everything I had on him

I had unfortunate luck

And it was probably a poor choice to begin with

I’m attempting to learn all I can from it

It’s taught me the difference between having love for someone and being in love with someone

The fires that come from the state of being are far more consuming

It’s changed me, he’s changed me

But doesn’t everyone we meet?

The significance of the influence is still undetermined

I don’t think I’m ready and don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to gamble with so much of myself again

I haven’t decided if it’s all worth the risk to feel it all over again

Connecting with others has always been hard

There isn’t a line of potential suitors waiting so there’s no urgency

In the meantime, I’m working on the restoration of my forest

Giving it all that it needs to grow

Including patience… time

For now, I buy my own flowers to give the debris some color