12/8/2023

I bought myself a bouquet of flowers

I use to intellectualize the idea of receiving flowers

“Is it because they feel they HAVE to?” “They’re just going to die in a week.” “How practical is this?”

It made me an easy girlfriend

I bought the flowers thinking, “Let’s see what the hype is about.”

I was surprised with how much I enjoyed them

Any time they were in my line of sight I’d admire them

I never missed a chance to smell them as I walked by

Man did they smell good

They lasted longer than I thought

Ultimately they brought me joy

Somewhere along the line I learned to value practicality over anything

Maybe I lacked the privilege of exploring desires

If it doesn’t contribute to my survival, it’s not worth it

I’m not worth it…

Somewhere along the line I learned to quiet my needs and desires

So much so, I couldn’t even imagine the hype

I’ve missed out on hundreds of bouquets

Or maybe not, because I also chose partners who couldn’t offer me this kind of joy

Or arguably didn’t want to

I’ve thought about this through the lens of heteronormative gender roles

And feminine versus masculine energies

I’m all for partnership, equality, and dismantling societal norms

So simply speaking for myself,

I have struggled with not being “lady-like” or “feminine enough”

But if I really think about it, I’m pretty proficient with some of these skills

I’ve cared for a partner when ill

Cooked and cleaned to ease a partner’s stress

I’ve given them as much time as they need to lay on my chest for comfort

Not once have I done it because of some societal expectation

In fact, because I’m so mindful of how restrictive and oppressive those perspectives can be I seek to be intentional

I do it because I can and want to

I can identify the ways I can contribute to my partner and I make sure they feel it

I can also take the lead and plan a whole date

I can take care of the bill and even drive us to the restaurant

I can initiate sex

And entertain more than a few cocktails with you

All again, because I can and want to

Up until now I haven’t thought about my partners in this way

I’m more focused on how I can contribute to them

A partner who gifts me flowers is now a non-negotiable

While I’m at it, so is a partner who opens doors for me

Not because I’m entitled

And not because I can’t open my own doors

Or clearly, buy my own flowers

But because a partner who can and wants to is of a different caliber

I’m not entitled to this caliber of a partner

But I’m worthy of one

A partner who wants to contribute to me is sexy

I have no grievances with treating my partner like a man

But, the new standard is, I want him to treat me like a woman