8/17/2024

“Nobody can tell that I can’t breath

So I scratch at the rip in my jeans

I’m hoping that if I scratch hard enough

I’ll forget what this stupid feeling means

I can’t breathe, I feel it

Like a heaviness in my chest

I’m sitting in the car desperately wishing that my brain would rest

Somebody tries to talk to me

But I stopped paying attention long ago

This cute little part of me is my least favorite for people to suddenly know

They never stay long after this

I’m abandoned like a broken doll

Something someone once admired

Someone for who they would never fall

I’m always in a car when it happens

Silly little me

I’m just sitting here so how bad could my anxiety really be

Then something shifts

I’m falling into a boiling pool head first

I’m sprinting ten miles

I’m panting from the thirst

I’m spinning in checkerboard circles

I’m scratching at the seat

He asked if I’m hungry but when I’m anxious I can’t eat

I’m suffocating in fresh air

I’m slamming my head into a wall

They never stay long after this

They always remember not to call

Suddenly I’m screaming in my dreams

I’m refusing any caffeine

If they knew how hard I fought to stay

Maybe they wouldn’t be so mean

I’m shaking on the floor

Rough emotions stuck in air

I hate when this happens

He tries to touch my hair

I’m moving in a stopped car

I‘m cemented to the past

And then of course I start crying

The frustrated tears always come fast

They never stay long after this

After I’ve shown too much

And it has nothing to do with my body

Just my mind’s strong punch

It’s a solo rescue mission

Only me against me

And they never stay long after this

Because I’m not who they wanted me to be

I put the window down because now I really can’t breathe

And it doesn’t make it any better that I know that they’re about to leave

I tell him to pull over

I can’t do it, I need to stop

And it always happens so suddenly

We had just been laughing in a coffee shop

He follows close behind

They always follow at the beginning

Then they whisper a goodbye

While my ears are still ringing

I’m burning up from the inside

There’s ants on my skin

This is what I remember when people ask me how I’ve been

Heat radiates off of the ground

So he puts a cold cup in my hand

He helps me get up

He balances me while I try to stand

He whispers that “the ice is suppose to help”

Cold water cools the side of my face

My heart slows down then

I almost forgot that it had a non-panicked pace”

-Celia