12/25/2018
There are a dozen TV’s on at once
They’re not on the same channel
Thoughts, memories, fears
They all play out of these screens on high volume
No one hears it but me
They play over my voice
They break my concentration
They deminish my stride
And weaken my spirit
I call out for help
But no one else hears it but me
12/25/2018
My wrists are stained
It’s the only option I see
This armor is glued to me
The war is over
But I’m convinced in this life,
The armor doesn’t come off
12/22/2018
What’s the point of being here anyways?
Someone explain what the point of being alive is.
12/10/2018
It’s more frequent than I’d like to admit
It’s something I can’t bare to say out loud
I fear the demons that sleep in me
12/10/2018
They broke my heart
Far worse than any man ever had
The stigma they attached to me…
The way I was treated…
It’s all heartbreaking
My pain fueled the hope
Hoping I had a purpose here
But I was denied entry
Instead of seeing my strength, they saw my weakness
They belittled my progress
They ignored my will and success
They invalidated my story
They nor he will ever understand what they took from me
12/10/2018
The painful realization of it hits me like whiskey on an empty stomach
It’s like a big rig smashing through my body
Taking my soul for display on it’s grill
When did it start?
When did I start to loose control?
I lost it before I could admit to losing it
I needed it at 6am
At lunch, afternoons…
The pain won’t drown
They learned to swim and they’ve multiplied
12/10/2018
This wasn’t the goal
I was never suppose to be here
It started off as a familiar place
But now, I don’t understand
The hole is quicksand
My wrists are stained
My body aches for the flooding burn
This isn’t who I was suppose to be
She is on the path to becoming a memory
12/10/2018
You’re on a ride
The kind that goes straight up and drops straight down
Your palms begin to clam up
Your thoughts slow down as your pulse speeds up
The bitter taste begins to coat your tongue
Why did you agree to go on this ride?
But,
You didn’t
You never chose this ride
Before you finish the thought the support beneath you fails
You are enveloped in total fear
Your chest is being crushed, air isn’t getting in
The weight of the universe is coming down on you
All the nerves and muscles in your body tense
They’re in balls
So tight the pain is physical as much as it is mental
The nausea floods your throat
How do I get off this ride?
12/10/2018
I’m often in conflict with my mind. At this point, I feel it’s a constant war. The overwhelming feeling… it’s going to consume me.
These days my eyes fill with tears too easily and they fall so seamlessly down my face.
Before I know it, I’m drenched.
The clothes on my body become heavy and I’m swimming in them, swimming in a pool of my own relentless pain.
12/8/2018
The dark cloud that has followed me most of my life has taken on an entire new form.
One I don’t recognize.
This new form is so much stronger than before.
I am suffocating under the weight of it.
It’s density has begun to fill my lungs.
Oxygen is unable to find it’s way into my body.
With every expansion and contraction, I feel weaker, numb, hopeless.
I’ve spent most of my life fighting off demons- those within me and in this world.
It never mattered how hard the rain came down because I clung onto any hope left in my soul.
Now, as I feel my bones crushing under the weight of this…
I’m left at it’s mercy.
Do I ever conquer these demons or is it a hopeless ambition?