3/25/2018

I’m applying to PDs

Anywhere but here is better

I looked up MH jobs out of curiosity

Seems unrealistic

3/4/2018

It’s too hard.

I crave the escape.

Anything to make the mental and physical pain go away.

I’m weak most days.

Will it always be this way?

2/18/2018

I listen to a copy of the tape

Relieve the stress

2/12/2018

Today, I fixate.

I add the numbers up.

The harder the goal, the more accomplished I feel.

The intensity of the restriction gives me back power.

2/11/2018

Maybe I need to stop trying to pick up where I left off and create something new.

Maybe things won’t be as they were but maybe they can be a different good.

Maybe even better with time.

2/10/2018

Tomorrow is the belt ceremony.

Coach is making me go.

I feel it’ll be hard to go.

He took this away from me too.

I’m trying hard to find the power to take the next steps.

2/5/2018

She tells me I’d make a great psychologist.

She’s always said that to me but it’s more ironic now.

I feel I’m the least qualified.

She says it’s a talent I’ve developed through my own suffering.

1/29/2018

Sleep problems are bad.

I want to sleep all day and can’t at night.

1/3/2018

The panic attacks are too much. I’m trying to forget.

12/19/2017

I already died. Why is everyone so selfish? They tell me to be strong and to stay alive. I’m suffering every day, every hour, and every minute. Please let me die. I’m ready. I’m ok with it.

Please make the pain stop…

I keep picturing this disgusting body being cold. Cold and limp…

12/14/2017

Sometimes I think it will never go away. I want it to go away. I just want it to leave my memory. How do I get better after this?

12/11/2017

The thoughts of hurting myself are too loud. I can’t tolerate it.

12/6/2017

I’m scared of never coming out of this. It feels like I fell into some deep hole. I feel I’m far from everyone and everything. How am I suppose to get out. Should I even care? Try? All I want…and can do is drink and sleep.

12/5/2017

I feel numb.

I can’t keep anything down.

I feel disgusting.

All I want to do is sleep.

11/21/2017

My life seems to be going in slow motion. I’m struggling to make it through the days. The drinking has increased.

Every day gets harder. I feel ready to give up.

I’m so done with this life. I don’t think I can keep this up. I’m falling apart. The whole world is caving in and I’m alone.

The pain would stop. The anxiety, the nightmares. All gone.

There’s nothing left. They took it all from me. There’s nothing left. They killed her.

I’m disgusting.

11/21/2017

Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much.

11/19/2017

Time is moving slow

How could this have happened?

I’m having arguments in my head about how I should feel

I can’t do this again

11/14/2017

TJ

11/15/2017- confession of a kiss

11/20/2017- confrontation

9/16/2017

I want him to feel it. I want him to live in it like I have all these years.

I’m tired. I’m tired.

This fucking God that everyone talks about never came for me. He didn’t care whether I screamed for him. He watched it happen.

10:50am

Why does this feel so good?

The anxiety is silenced. The thoughts are quiet. Muddled.

I think I’m too broken to be anything anymore.

Who the fuck would love this?

9/16/2017

Independence day, 10am

I let the fluid numb me again.

I have this dream…

I drive the 7 hours to him

Meet him in the hills and call him on his shit

He gets to feel scared and violated. It’s his turn

I get to ask him why?

I pull my Glock, point it as his head. I empty it.