When I can’t find the words.

“The type of girl you marry

I guess she’d be funny and smart

Just a tad bit competitive

As you both play mario kart

Smells like summer flowers

Maybe born in july or june

Always a little late

But you wish to see her soon

Good at taking notes

Her standards are pretty high

And she’s been through a lot

So her eyes have never been left dry

Wavy brown hair curled

Her laugh is kind of funny

Always too busy working for her own money

The type of girl you marry

First people don’t see her potential

Guys play with her heart

And find it too influential

She is a healer of sorts

Every heart but her own

And the type of girl you marry

Thought she’d end up alone

So she made the best of it

Happiness was self made

And the type of girl you marry

Will make you feel afraid

You don’t want to mess things up

You’ll feel that she can do better

And if you don't put in the work

You won’t end up together

The type of girl you marry

Is exceptionally kind

Way too understanding

And has a beautiful mind

You don’t meet her more than once

She will ultimately change your life

And the type of girl you marry

You better ask to be your wife”

“For you I would start running

Tie up my laces and just go

I would run and run and run

Until the best version of me

Is the only version of me you’ll ever get to know

I say you, on purpose

Because for me

That won’t ever be true

I’ve lived through every version

But not all will live with you

Not all will be obvious

Some I’ve hidden away

Some I taught to be quiet

Because I didn’t quiet like what they had to say

So some only write

Some still hate to read

Some look at me like I hold back

Some answer that they need

Maybe I do

But not out of hate

It’s because I don’t want to see them settle

Because they’re afraid of being too late

Afraid of love leaving

Love may decide to leave

Afraid of love staying

Love will become whatever you believe

Some versions of me are hidden

Stuffed away in an old drawer

I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of them

When I wasn’t like them anymore

For you I would open the drawer

No matter how painful it may be

Because I want you to love and admire every version

That has ever existed of me

For you I would love them harder

I would keep them safe

And unharmed

I would open the drawer slowly

So as to not cause them to be alarmed

I would speak to them softly

I would allow them to finally speak

I would unlearn every opinion that made me think that they were weak

Because for you I would stop running

I would learn to love the worst that I’ve been

For you I would step back

And let some lesser version of me get to win

The unlovable

The annoying

The too much way too soon

The met people in the morning

And of course scared them away by the afternoon

The stupid, the imposter

The doesn’t deserve to be

That wishes her heart away

For some future version

That’s me

The dramatic

The confusing

The always thinks she’s second best

The one who shakes from her anxiety

Who works until she’s forced to rest

For you I would start walking

Every version of me in hand

Then I would have to sit down

Because some versions I still can’t stand”

“In the past I was afraid of my potential

I know that’s a weird thing to say

But when things start to go well

I wanted to push them all away

I wrote, but I wasn’t a writer

I excelled in school, but I wasn’t smart

How could I have it so together

If I made everything fall apart?

Deep breath so I keep going

Future me what did you change?

And how did you become yourself?

If I’ve only ever felt strange

Well, how could I even answer?

I keep trying to be like you

Healing our inner child

Returning to the version that’s most true

Funny how things work out

We run, only to return

And some life lessons

I need to force you to learn

But not because I hate you

It’s because I adore you so much

And learning your brain is more intimate

Than someone’s touch

I return to those moments

That you felt so alone

Because I was there too

With experiences of my own

In the past I was afraid

Of who I would become

Because I only felt stuck

Like a shoe caught in gum

And now I run through field of opportunities

That you couldn’t imagine then

And if I could chose to be any one

I would chose being you again”

“I like being single

But if I chose not to be

Well lets just imagine

What it would be like to be loved by me

There would be books written about your laugh

Immortalized from the start

If you show me the worst parts of you

I’ll show you that they’re art

Blankets fresh out of the dryer

Wrapped around you in the cold

It’s a little bit intense

At least that’s what I’ve been told

Homemade birthday cake

I remember what you said

And a list in my phone

Will catch the thoughts, your favorites

That might have accidently fled

Books hand drawn

All of our memories put in one

It’s a lot of effort I guess

But it could be worth it

For someone’s son

Valentines day surprises

Take some stress off of your plate

For you I would be on time

Because love is never late

I would sing you to sleep

I would kiss you awake

I would treat you like the Christmas gift

That the New Year could never take

God, I would cook for you

I would help you clean

I would make your life easier

Until you wonder if it’s a dream

I would create beauty

I would help you succeed

I would be the kind of lover

That only exists in the romances people read

I would be there for you without you having to ask

I would be so intentional with each and every task

I would be your partner

I would be your best friend

I would be the favorite song that you keep repeating

So it doesn’t end

Maybe that’s why I like being single

I do all of that for me

And I don’t know if someone could do better…”

“I forgive you

But it’s over

I won’t put myself in that position again

You tried your best, maybe

But you didn’t apologize to me back then

Have you ever apologized?

I’m sorry I can’t recall

Because I went back to therapy

And you didn’t try to heal at all

I tired to be there

I tried to be your friend

That’s what you said that you wanted

But what you wanted was for us to end

But you didn’t say that

So I stuck around

And I’ve never been to the circus

But you made me a damn clown

Always available

No hard feelings, right?

You treat me like shit

Because you know I won’t fight

Not for you maybe

Not anymore

Because sitting in your waiting room sounds like a bore

Feels like a chore

A painful weight I don’t want to carry

You don’t want to date me

But I’m the girl that you do want to marry?

I’m sorry I’m confused

How does that make any sense

You want to cash in for dollars

But never work for thoughtful cents

You didn’t want me

This is what you chose

And I protected you

And now everybody in my life knows

You made fun of me for believing you were more

I tried to welcome you in

But you slammed the damn door

And God it was painful

My heart it was bruised

My ego, my trust

You made me feel used

You made me feel wanted

And then said, “Actually, nevermind”

You said that I was the best

And then better you went to find

And then you didn’t find it

Oof, big surprise!

Not because I’m the best

But because, you’re rooting for your own demise

By telling yourself lie

“I don’t deserve you”-this and that

You become what you believe

That’s why in your waiting room I sat

I waited, I stayed

That was the best that I could be

And then I chose to deserve better

Because I wanted more for me

So I forgive you

But it’s over

You didn’t deserve me anyway, right?

Because if it wasn’t clear enough already

For myself, and our happiness I will always fight”

Celia