4/8/2023
I know you needed love
I know you needed safety
I know you need these things and more
I hear you
And when I don’t, I feel you
I know but I’ve been scared
I’m sorry
I’m trying
I’m trying to be who you needed
I want to love you
It’s scary for me too
You’ve been on fire
And I’ve been too scared to walk back in for you
Your screams burst my eardrums
I know you’re here
I’m learning for you
I’m coming for you…
4/8/2023
My footsteps echo down the long hallways
The ceilings are high
And the air is crisp
The hairs on the back of my neck-at attention
I have no shoes on
The space comes into me from below
My vision is narrow but I feel it all
The vibrations of these spaces move through me
The stories are smeared all over the walls
Shades of black layered and moved
There’s a door
It’s so dark. I can barely make it out
It doesn’t get any clearer
Regardless of how much space I close
There’s heat here
It’s hell.
The bolts and locks on this door are bright red
I reach out
Hesitate
Her screams get louder
So loud I can’t think
I can’t breathe
I can’t move
I can’t be
I can’t!
I reach out and pull the locks and bolts off
They sink into my hands
What have I done?
3/25/2023 Soulmate
In the rush of running
Which I still am very much doing
I’ve missed the truth in this fight
I’ve missed her face
It’s been there for 25 plus years
But it’s a faint blur
I’m hyper-focused!
I’m zoned in!
I’m starving!
I’m blind to the details around me
She’s been here…
It’s quiet…
Not a sound…
My eyes refocus
There’s warmth in this space
The light hits her face, reflects back at me off her eyes
I tell the optometrist- “this one, hold it here… this one’s clear”.
A reel of images and stories flood my mind as they always have
This time I catch her…
Split seconds of stillness in these moments
Her face again, it’s the same-
Warmth reflected back at me
Regardless of my inability to see it, to receive it
I come broken, wounded, dark, and messy
She doesn’t fix it, she doesn’t change it
She doesn’t resist it
She’s still…
The silence is broken
The words burn like alcohol on a wound
“I love you”-she says
I love you too xxxxxx.
3/24/2023
Pandora’s box
It’s not a gift to me
But it is luring
The juxtaposition of this box terrifying me yet luring me…
It’s odd
What’s in this damn box?
I don’t know
My body knows
The corners of my mind know
But, really,… my soul knows
And man is it tired
Not the tired that sleep can relieve
This eternal tired
It’s been around for eons
It has known great suffering
Could it maybe know,…
Great healing?
3/20/2023
The feeling has always been, “not enough”
Never enough
But I’m beginning to wonder if it’s been, “too much”
Maybe the things I seek and represent are too much for the rooms I’m standing in
Not for any other reason than they are just the wrong rooms for me
I mull over the things I must filter
The ways I must make myself small and take up the least amount of space
Don’t be too loud
Don’t laugh
Don’t show what I might know…
3/14/2023
I made the choice
This is the difference between you and I
I didn’t find myself here
I didn’t fall
No sweeping off my feet.
I grabbed your hand and walking right into love, into you
You sold me a dream
I knew better but just maybe, this dream could be real
She was denied the opportunity to believe in dreams
To believe in fairy tales
Life was consumed in nightmares
You may not understand these nightmares
But I know you saw the pain
Maybe you were too busy selling me a dream
And in the end, only giving me a nightmare.
3/6/2023 Art Gallery
You found the cobblestone structure fascinating
Or perhaps intimidating
Regardless, interesting…
It’s different from the other buildings
This one has been here long
It’s an art museum
You wander the halls and floors
Maybe get drawn to one exhibit
You gaze at the strokes and layers expressed in pieces
You remain distracted with the movement of traffic
Never fulling investing into the stories painted on these walls
Its inconsequential
Disengaging is easy
There was nothing of interest on display
Maybe one day someone will walk through and see
3/6/2023
I’m irritable.
Annoyed and maybe angry.
I don’t allow the praise and I certainly don’t like the acknowledgment
Such a silly thing to praise-
Someone loving someone who hurts them
Guess I’ve done that all my life
It hurt to beg someone to stop hurting me
But there is one that hurts the most
The hurt that came from a woman I could never stop loving
What a tormenting thing to feel
Feel love for someone who could never give it back
When I say I love you
I promise I mean it
Cause even when I don’t want to, I do
3/5/2023
The authentic and fearless love I give away…
I deny Her access.
I withhold. I neglect. I abandon Her.
I don’t know where I found it- Love.
It should be gone. Empty. Justifiably so.
But I can access it. I can feel it and give it to others.
I wonder how much more pain I have caused Her as She watches me give it away to people who don’t know it’s worth…
To people who can’t understand how extraordinary its existence is
I give this gift away.
She watches me run from Her into the arms of people who can’t see me, can’t see Her.
I seek to be seen.
I desire it more than anything but I hide the parts that need to be seen.
There’s nothing poetic about it.
There is no way to twist the ugly and messy into beauty.
It just is, heavy, dark, messy parts of me.
I don’t need you to see the beauty in this.
Know that this darkness in my mind and soul is a void of something once stolen long ago.
What was stolen and what is left is irrelevant.
Maybe, just maybe, the ember is worth the heaviness of Her pain.
3/4/2023
I feel like an idiot.
Time after time I gave you my love.
I believed you were good at your core.
I believed in the love you said you had for me.
You weren't man enough for what I had to offer.
You couldn't step up but were too selfish to walk away...
I spent months trying to understand why my panic attacks came back with such intensity. I felt like my body and mind were against me. My mind and body were warning me that I wasn't safe with you. I never was and maybe I felt I deserved that... I feel grateful for the wisdom my mind and body have given me. I know who was speaking to me now.
She was calling out from the parts I abandoned long ago. Hidden away in the darkness because there were others before you who came for control...Never to love.
I am ready to come home to Her.
You broke my heart. Betrayed my trust.
But believe me, I will rise again.
I have come back from much worse...Each time never understanding how I ever got backup.
But it is Her, it is me. We are the life-force no lost or ill soul can break.
You come to collect from my power and wisdom. It's luring to all but out of reach to the small.
I finally understand. This is for Her.
You cannot touch Her. You cannot scare Her.
You cannot break Her.
She has me now. She got me this far but I'm taking it the rest of the way...
I'm only sorry it has taken me this long to see the strength in Her cries... The wisdom in Her pain... The love in the ember She keeps...
She can rest now. I promise I got Her...
And in the end, maybe I'm not the idiot. Maybe I'm courageous. Despite the hand I was giving in this lifetime I have never held back in love. I love authentically and fearlessly. Not you or anyone else will ever take that away from me.
This, this is what you lost.
2/24/2023
2:15pm: Hi. Idk what kind of arrangement you have with xxxxxx but he's like the man slut at work. He's worse than his friend xxxxxx because he actually gets the girls. He doesn't tell these girls he has a gf until they hook up. He still been hooking up with them. Completely disrespectful and cringey.
And if you don't believe me, you can text this chick Sarah among others. She was a victim xxx-xxx-xxxx
I’m under water. I can’t hear Dr. xxxx anymore. Everything seems so far.
This can’t be right. This doesn’t add up. It doesn’t, right?
How did they know of me? How did they get my number?
I’m not on social media…. xxxxxxxx has come to find me?
I’ve known him for 6 years.
He loves me…
I know that, right? That’s real?
He’s known me 6 years!
He wouldn’t… he couldn’t…
What brings someone to do this?
People are hateful, I know this… right?
The warm sensation fills my chest... I’m humiliated.
I want to stuff it. Not now. I can’t.
I stuff it…. And return to work.
I need to think not feel right now.
Dr. xxxx keeps my phone. I don’t want it…
8:11pm: I just got called for PO. I took it purely off long run financial benefits.
His name on my phone seems strange
Like he’s a stranger
Do I know him?
Fuck.
2/23/2023
You think you’ve seen me naked because I took my close off
Because you’ve touched my body and seen my skin
I want someone who knows what makes me cry, what makes me smile, and laugh.
I want someone to see me. To see where I’ve been through my eyes -bare witness
Someone who can hear the stories hidden between the lines
Hear all the things I can’t speak to
Who can just, be there.
Does this exist?
I’m unsure of what I’m looking for…
Taking my clothes off isn’t seeing me… Many have done this before but I’m not present.
I’m not there so I’m not seen.
This is just flesh and bones… meat.
I’m more than that, aren’t I?
2/20/2023
Trigger- movie w/ rape scene
Response- crying/sad
Soothed when he rubbed my back. I’m falling asleep.
He wanted to kiss me and put his hand down my pants. I have a high drive though, normally. Our sex is always enjoyable and passionate. My mind is foggy but maybe it’d feel good. Maybe it’ll bring me back.
He stopped-I don’t know why….But he held me then I cried. I don’t know why. I felt sad and gross. Their hands remain marked all over this body.
Anxiety increased before bed. Breathing became shallow. My skin ached with the feel of the air around it. He held me in his lap. He’s trying and it’s nice.
He gets on top of me and spreads my legs. I don’t like it. He wants to love me. Love the pain away.
He kisses me and I move. He grabs my face to kiss some more. My lips are numb- no.
I say, “I don’t want to”.
He’s upset.
He gets off me and sits at the end of the bed.
Repeatedly asked if I want him to leave.
He's yelling
I want to be held….
I hate my mind.
It upsets me and him.
I beg, “please stop” but he won’t. He can’t see me right now. I’m alone.
I want to be held…
I’m alone again… I’m 7… Laying on the mat outside her door. Crying for her. Please come keep me safe from these monsters but she never comes. She never comes.
We try… I rock back and forth, “we can do this”.
I see their faces, I can taste their saliva, I can smell their skin, I can feel their hands. I can feel the pressure in my stomach… between my legs. No, no. I bang my head on the floor and with my hands. Please stop. Please. Please help me.
It’s too real. I hate this mind. I hate it. I hate me.
It consumes me.
My energy is drained. Another night outside her door on this mat…..
He apologizes. He kisses my forehead and holds me. How I love being held.
He admits he took it personally.
I know he loves me. I know it’s a lot. I’m a lot. If I could run away from my mind I would too. He can’t see me when darkness comes… He loses me.
How I long to be held… to be seen….
2/19/2023
Confusion, defined as:
1. lack of understanding; uncertainty.
2. the state of being bewildered or unclear in one's mind about something.
I’ve always been unclear about my own mind. What is real or fantasy? What is valid or embellished? I’ve desired clarity, understanding, and truth. Longed for it deeply but I only know how to function in spaces of bewilderment. It’s tormenting, but home.
I’ve sought out these needs and connections all my life but I’m not even sure I know what it’ll look like when they arrive.
I’ve always said I wasn’t scared of the monsters in the closet or under the bed but rather the monsters that roam in this world. I hadn’t realized until now that these monsters found a way into my mind. I am terrified of my own mind and it plagues every experience of my life.
The dragon always lied outside the safety of my cave. I knew of its power because once upon a time, it came for mine. I’ve since spent every ounce of energy into hiding, moving, running. If I stop, the dragon finds me and finishes what little I have left. I’m done- lost the fight.
The dragon robbed me of safety and trust. Not just in others or the world but in myself. I’m uncertain of what to trust in the chaos of my mind. What is safe to connect to? What choices are mine?
This cave is cold, it’s dark, and messy. I’ve been able to keep moving and building with the small fire I was able to salvage. I’m driven by things that almost work, it’s just enough to see.
I’m not alone in this cave… there is a monster in here. How could I have missed this one?
The fight has begun.
The dragon is here. He’s come for me.
Is it possible this ember is stronger than I believed it to be? That I’ve misused it?
All I have is this small fire. This spark.
I think, “there’s no fight here”. I’m small, powerless, and uncertain. I’m hollow, a void.
This dragon is massive, loud, and powerful.
I think, “Let him take what’s left”. If I try to fight, the pain of losing again is intolerable.
Please don’t take my ember away…
What would it mean to not be confused?
To be certain? To be powerful?