2/29/2024
I move through my days
My life, with weight of echoes on my back
I carry them from place to place
She stays with me, comes with me wherever I go
I add the weight of the days to the sack
The heels of my feet sink into the earth below me
I’m trying to find the balance and stamina
I struggle to find things to lean on
I seek anything that can help me take, “just one more step”
2/27/2024
(Dream)
I’m behind the scenes at the Dodger stadium
I go into the interview room with ****
We both are being recorded
My mom comes with someone else
Someone from her job
Suddenly, **** is gone
It’s time to leave
I feel sleepy on the ride home
My mom and the female sit in the back seats
I fall asleep in the passenger seat
I fall towards him and wake up as he tries to slide his hands down my pants
We struggle and he pulls over
He won’t stop
And I ask him to
He says he has to
I explain that I don’t see him that way
Somehow we are outside my parent’s home
I run out of the car and feel him chase me
I see a daughter, son, and dad
I scream for help and tell them he is trying to rape me
The dad immediately takes it as a joke
The daughter walks away laughing to the car
The son is talking to the guy now, they’re friendly
The dad says I’m probably overreading the situation and thats not what he means
I keep saying, “I know…”
They all start to leave
I know the chase will commence
I wake up
2/23/2024
I find her gaze in all the noise…
The girl with the big blue eyes
Just like that, she pulls me out
Her voice soothes the aches
I feel her love in each phoneme
In every morpheme
The worry penetrates the tornado consuming me
She’s speaking to Her
She tells her all that hurts and where it hurts
I remain at a distance
Protecting myself from going under
I watch her nurture away the storm
And I think, “She’s going to be an amazing mother”
2/4/2024
(EMDR Session)
They say eyes are the window to the soul
I haven’t quite found myself yet…
The distance began yesterday
I have vague pieces, glimpses of memory
It’s black, blocked out
She asked me to be curious
I can’t single out a thought or feeling
They all came flooding in
My mouth became numb
My lips were gone, they still are
The state of nothing took over
Everything was slow and fast, all at once
I find myself in this daydream but have no control
Life feels like the dream
I walk over to the mirror
There is something about my eyes that scares me
I don’t feel scared but I think somewhere in me, it’s there
I don’t know who this women is
Why is she in my bathroom?
I wondered, “Is this what I look like?”
I surrendered to the curiosity
Her eyes stand out to me
There is something empty about them
Something heavy
I don’t know how eyes could look heavy
But hers did
They seemed worn, tired
Sad
This women is hiding something behind her eyes
I introduce myself, “hi”
The acoustics don’t match what I understand to be the limits of this space
I suppose I’m not the one speaking
The details of her eyes are extremely clear or blurry
There is no middle as the focus moves in and out
The rest of her seems like a movie prop
No depth, dimension
It’s flat, no life…
Her eyes are different and I keep watching
Maybe there is something she needs to say
Why I’ve spent so much time running from mirrors all my life seems so much clearer…
1/24/2024
Sometimes the buzzing of the fluorescent lights becomes a migraine
The blood vessels in my eyes pulsate
My jaw aches and lacks mobility
My hands tremble over my erratic heart beat
Closing my eyes makes the room spin
Opening them feels like forcing a strained muscle
I’m overwhelmed, sure
Feeling all my feelings so deeply is incredibly heavy when you’re this sad
When you can feel other people, even when they’re not around it’s… torture
Is this the cost of loving another?
Or, is it the cost of being loved?
1/19/2024
The emotions depicted on the screen ignited a memory
Memories I should say, emotions
Her emotions became mine
My heart rate increased as they connected with experiences of my own
I’ve had this fight many times
With many lovers
The most painful were those with the man I loved
With him, I stayed in the argument far longer than I should’ve
I suppose I was hoping he’d find his way to me
Arguments always began with a grievance of something I was doing or not doing
Sometimes focused around work and aspirations
Others around my personal outlets and connections
There was something I was missing
Something I wasn’t doing enough of
I was being greedy
Taking far too much time for myself and my endeavors
No compromise was ever enough
It was never explicitly said
But when every compromise is shut down,
The only option left is my sacrifice
The sacrifice of the things I’ve fought to keep for myself
All of it
The air smelled of contempt
The look on their faces like my mother’s
Expressing their distain of all that I’ve taken from them
I’m not like the woman on the screen
She’s clear and expressive of what I was afraid to say out loud
Of what, if I did try, only immediately took back
He complained of my ever changing schedule
Ever changing plans, transitions, and new goals
As if we shared the same bank of time
Like he didn’t have his own to deplete from
What I did with mine somehow left me forever indebted to him
I was taking his time
There are 24 hours in a day for each and every one of us
What we choose to do with this time is ultimately our choice
Sometimes we are pressured to do with it as others believe
But truly, it is our choice
He had 24 hours like I did
They all had 24 hours
He expressed disgust for his career
I never forced him to stay
But he said he stayed to see me, to finance me
He sacrificed time from his bank to see me
Spent his checks on me
I grew resentful of all of it
I never asked for this
Gifts have never been my love language
I encouraged his dreams as he expressed them
But then I was too pushy
I admit I grew tired of the narrative
His requests for pity became a nuisance
I wanted it to stop
Go, stay, I don’t care! But pick one and leave me out of it
He blamed me for his choices as a father
He always carried shame and guilt about the end of his marriage
At first, she was to blame
But quickly, I became evil too
I was the reason for his choosing of an incompatible partner
Of his family pressure to marry and stay married
Of his choice to advocate for his happiness
I ruined his life
He did it for me
I forced him
He eventually protected his son from the evil
Us three in a room confronted his guilt
He was the projector and I the screen
“I do it for you”.
He was selfless, sacrificing
Caring only of my happiness
As he simultaneously tore it apart
I didn’t want the transaction
I denied the projection
But somehow I found myself owing this man time from my bank
Over and over he brought it up
Always stating with, “I’m not trying to throw it in your face”
“I’m not keeping tabs”
He did in fact take inventory
What he valued and perceived were subjective
The price of an item assumed, never discussed
I hated the fighting
I hated how I felt
I’m not innocent, I harm others just like anyone does
I’m messy and complicated
As much as I try to be honest and transparent
I find myself in these arguments doubting my honesty
“Could I be wrong?”
I’d reach for affection and express love
His self-pity was too loud to hear me
He’d shut down and I felt rejected
He grew unattractive
I saw he had no accountability, no desire for honesty
No mercy for me as a partner
He’d complain about the little time he had with his son
I’d offer up my time
This compromise wasn’t the answer
It made me cold and uncaring
I needed to understand that he would always be sad about his lack of time
His time was split between him and his son’s mother
And that nothing could be done about his pain
I couldn’t possibly understand because I had so much more time
I couldn’t understand how his helplessness was my doing
I had 24 hours, no more, no less
He denied wanting to try with her again
I begged him to
I sought out couples counseling for them
His happiness and my freedom were my greatest desire
He made it impossible to attain them
Maybe then he could let this unresolved fantasy go
And I could stop being the villain
His son grew attached to me
Maybe he didn’t like this as much as he thought he would
Maybe reality wasn’t as good as the fantasy
Could we please stop having conversations about past choices and wasted time?
We were wasting time having these conversations
I knew it, and I wanted him to know it
We were missing new opportunities and spending hours of our banks for what?
He needed to be a victim and I needed to be the forever remorseful offender?
Was I just meant to serve a sentence for s crime I didn’t commit?
Or was my crime the fact I never married or had children?…
He went back to school and failed the program
It was my fault for pushing for change
He stayed at the department hating the culture
It was my fault for no longer brainstorming options about leaving
He demanded justice
Wanted what he was owed
But I didn’t own what he had lost
It was never about me, it was never with me
He was scared, doubtful of himself
I always knew he was smart and creative
I wasn’t in need of convincing
He expressed having no choice
Being trapped in this dynamic for life
And I was the only good in it
He created this hole
He kept digging as he yelled up at me for choosing not to jump in with him
And maybe, as a partner I should of
But I’ve dug myself out of my fair share of holes to ever voluntarily jump into another not of my own making
He attacked my morals
That I was cold, selfish, heartless
He objected my perspectives
I never compromised and he resented it
But I did compromise, I just didn’t sacrifice…
He had grievances about my personality
Conflicting ones
He loved me for my honesty, but grew annoyed of my desire for transparency
He loved that I cared for others so deeply, yet felt jealous as if my love was a commodity
This scarcity mindset broke us
He picked me because he wanted it
But now couldn’t own it was what he picked
I refused to pity him
To see him as a victim of his own choices
“I refused to rot inside!”
I have been a visitor of all these places
I fought to get out of them
Why was I so evil for refusing to go back?
Life will inevitable take my back, why volunteer?
Was it so wrong to refuse enabling this victim mentality?
Perhaps I was cold
I loved him, truly
He complained about a life that he chose
He expressed generosity and portraited an image of selflessness
But he did these things to claim his innocence
So were they merely generous gestures?
I didn’t need a martyr
I didn’t need him to sacrifice himself
He watched from the sidelines
His expectations and perfectionism held him back
He was scared of his own potential and quit before ever having to risk failing at something
Why was I to blame?
I couldn’t understand the overwhelming feeling then
Sometimes, these discussion would lead to panic attacks
I’d attack myself, destroy myself
Only then would he show mercy
The more he did this, the less I loved him
The less I trusted him
I accept it was my choice to stay
It was familiar to be someone’s punching bag
To be to blame for someone’s unhappiness
Forever cursed to be the villain for simply existing
In this moment, I’m highly aware that I do not owe him anything
I hurt him
I hurt myself
I’m no longer willing to be the screen someone projects on
Least I choose not to engage in this dynamic
1/15/2024
The tension roams deep within my chest
My hands are the only sign of what’s occurring beneath the surface
I plea for forgiveness
I suppose, from myself…
I think it’s fear but I’m unsure of what
Am I afraid to love what I soon may lose?
Am I still healing from this bruise?
My mind and body feel heavy
But they run restless this early morning
I’m desperate to find the cause
Then maybe, these demons will set me free
I’m afraid of the magic being gone
I think…
It may be harder to reach me now
I’m struggling to understand why
I might be afraid of never loving with fear again
The cost is high
But I suppose the ride is worth the risk
Something within me no longer moves
1/11/2024
I wish for someone to see me…
Carefully watch as my imagination gets the best of me
My mind is creative, you could say
Developing elaborate potentials of harm I struggle to keep away
It cultivates foreseeable threats
I refuse to add to my list of regrets
Sometimes it’s laced with the echoes of the past
All versions of Her, left aghast
Have patience as I find my way back
My world has been colored in black
1/7/2024
(EMDR Session)
“Let it go"
She says it over and over
I feel the tension of resistance
I’m holding my breath
I want to let it go
I’m telling myself to let it go, but I can’t…
There’s a part of me denying me access
Withholding permission
“I’m tired”, I tell her.
The fear moved down my spine
I notice the headache and pressure behind my left eye
The heat of violence builds between my legs…
A cramp attacks my left foot
The physical pain echoes pieces of a memory
I can’t
She helps me back as I rock and tap
I swear I’m trying, so hard
I’m doing my best
Please, please make it stop
When I can’t find the words.
“The type of girl you marry
I guess she’d be funny and smart
Just a tad bit competitive
As you both play mario kart
Smells like summer flowers
Maybe born in july or june
Always a little late
But you wish to see her soon
Good at taking notes
Her standards are pretty high
And she’s been through a lot
So her eyes have never been left dry
Wavy brown hair curled
Her laugh is kind of funny
Always too busy working for her own money
The type of girl you marry
First people don’t see her potential
Guys play with her heart
And find it too influential
She is a healer of sorts
Every heart but her own
And the type of girl you marry
Thought she’d end up alone
So she made the best of it
Happiness was self made
And the type of girl you marry
Will make you feel afraid
You don’t want to mess things up
You’ll feel that she can do better
And if you don't put in the work
You won’t end up together
The type of girl you marry
Is exceptionally kind
Way too understanding
And has a beautiful mind
You don’t meet her more than once
She will ultimately change your life
And the type of girl you marry
You better ask to be your wife”
“For you I would start running
Tie up my laces and just go
I would run and run and run
Until the best version of me
Is the only version of me you’ll ever get to know
I say you, on purpose
Because for me
That won’t ever be true
I’ve lived through every version
But not all will live with you
Not all will be obvious
Some I’ve hidden away
Some I taught to be quiet
Because I didn’t quiet like what they had to say
So some only write
Some still hate to read
Some look at me like I hold back
Some answer that they need
Maybe I do
But not out of hate
It’s because I don’t want to see them settle
Because they’re afraid of being too late
Afraid of love leaving
Love may decide to leave
Afraid of love staying
Love will become whatever you believe
Some versions of me are hidden
Stuffed away in an old drawer
I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of them
When I wasn’t like them anymore
For you I would open the drawer
No matter how painful it may be
Because I want you to love and admire every version
That has ever existed of me
For you I would love them harder
I would keep them safe
And unharmed
I would open the drawer slowly
So as to not cause them to be alarmed
I would speak to them softly
I would allow them to finally speak
I would unlearn every opinion that made me think that they were weak
Because for you I would stop running
I would learn to love the worst that I’ve been
For you I would step back
And let some lesser version of me get to win
The unlovable
The annoying
The too much way too soon
The met people in the morning
And of course scared them away by the afternoon
The stupid, the imposter
The doesn’t deserve to be
That wishes her heart away
For some future version
That’s me
The dramatic
The confusing
The always thinks she’s second best
The one who shakes from her anxiety
Who works until she’s forced to rest
For you I would start walking
Every version of me in hand
Then I would have to sit down
Because some versions I still can’t stand”
“In the past I was afraid of my potential
I know that’s a weird thing to say
But when things start to go well
I wanted to push them all away
I wrote, but I wasn’t a writer
I excelled in school, but I wasn’t smart
How could I have it so together
If I made everything fall apart?
Deep breath so I keep going
Future me what did you change?
And how did you become yourself?
If I’ve only ever felt strange
Well, how could I even answer?
I keep trying to be like you
Healing our inner child
Returning to the version that’s most true
Funny how things work out
We run, only to return
And some life lessons
I need to force you to learn
But not because I hate you
It’s because I adore you so much
And learning your brain is more intimate
Than someone’s touch
I return to those moments
That you felt so alone
Because I was there too
With experiences of my own
In the past I was afraid
Of who I would become
Because I only felt stuck
Like a shoe caught in gum
And now I run through field of opportunities
That you couldn’t imagine then
And if I could chose to be any one
I would chose being you again”
“I like being single
But if I chose not to be
Well lets just imagine
What it would be like to be loved by me
There would be books written about your laugh
Immortalized from the start
If you show me the worst parts of you
I’ll show you that they’re art
Blankets fresh out of the dryer
Wrapped around you in the cold
It’s a little bit intense
At least that’s what I’ve been told
Homemade birthday cake
I remember what you said
And a list in my phone
Will catch the thoughts, your favorites
That might have accidently fled
Books hand drawn
All of our memories put in one
It’s a lot of effort I guess
But it could be worth it
For someone’s son
Valentines day surprises
Take some stress off of your plate
For you I would be on time
Because love is never late
I would sing you to sleep
I would kiss you awake
I would treat you like the Christmas gift
That the New Year could never take
God, I would cook for you
I would help you clean
I would make your life easier
Until you wonder if it’s a dream
I would create beauty
I would help you succeed
I would be the kind of lover
That only exists in the romances people read
I would be there for you without you having to ask
I would be so intentional with each and every task
I would be your partner
I would be your best friend
I would be the favorite song that you keep repeating
So it doesn’t end
Maybe that’s why I like being single
I do all of that for me
And I don’t know if someone could do better…”
“I forgive you
But it’s over
I won’t put myself in that position again
You tried your best, maybe
But you didn’t apologize to me back then
Have you ever apologized?
I’m sorry I can’t recall
Because I went back to therapy
And you didn’t try to heal at all
I tired to be there
I tried to be your friend
That’s what you said that you wanted
But what you wanted was for us to end
But you didn’t say that
So I stuck around
And I’ve never been to the circus
But you made me a damn clown
Always available
No hard feelings, right?
You treat me like shit
Because you know I won’t fight
Not for you maybe
Not anymore
Because sitting in your waiting room sounds like a bore
Feels like a chore
A painful weight I don’t want to carry
You don’t want to date me
But I’m the girl that you do want to marry?
I’m sorry I’m confused
How does that make any sense
You want to cash in for dollars
But never work for thoughtful cents
You didn’t want me
This is what you chose
And I protected you
And now everybody in my life knows
You made fun of me for believing you were more
I tried to welcome you in
But you slammed the damn door
And God it was painful
My heart it was bruised
My ego, my trust
You made me feel used
You made me feel wanted
And then said, “Actually, nevermind”
You said that I was the best
And then better you went to find
And then you didn’t find it
Oof, big surprise!
Not because I’m the best
But because, you’re rooting for your own demise
By telling yourself lie
“I don’t deserve you”-this and that
You become what you believe
That’s why in your waiting room I sat
I waited, I stayed
That was the best that I could be
And then I chose to deserve better
Because I wanted more for me
So I forgive you
But it’s over
You didn’t deserve me anyway, right?
Because if it wasn’t clear enough already
For myself, and our happiness I will always fight”
Celia
1/4/2024
Why can’t I sleep?
Sleep is suppose to be an automatic thing
Yet, I struggle finding the switch to something that doesn’t even come with a switch
Tonight, the lonliness is amplified
It’s louder than the buzzing of the fridge and the cars below
It follows close behind
It moves in slow motion
Regardless, of how fast I run, it catches me
Surrounded by noise and people-yet so empty
There is this hole in me
That I know I’m never going to be able to fill
There isn’t anyone in the world who can
And it’s not a task for anyone to begin with
Not a task I can even complete
My screams echo back
Reminding me, there never was, is, nor will be
Solid ground here.
12/30/2023
The restlessness in my head has been intolerable today
Since last night…
I hate when it’s like this
The buzzing
It’s too loud…
There are no words or clear feelings
No clues or direction in how to ease it’s force
I want to find the words
I want to find the images
The thing that will get it to shut up
Make it stop
12/15/2023
Lately, the differences and levels of love have been of deep interest to me
At first, I was going to simply say that I miss you
Although, this isn’t a lie
It’s also not the whole truth
Do we love people like we love art?
Like a distant admirer?
Love it knowing we can never truly own it’s magic and forever live apart
I’m afraid, I must admit…
To give it air, to give it light
I’m conflicted
The forces are evenly balanced
I desire control and letting go
The other side of the coin wants to jump and fold
It seeks the depth of still waters
Regardless of danger
Knowing argues with feeling
I couldn’t explain it to anyone who couldn’t feel it
What it’s like to be seen
And not with their eyes…
To be touched by their words, more than other hands ever could
I don’t know when it happened
I couldn’t give you a specific date
It happened like any other flashback
But these moments, still images
They filled me
Love and grief are intertwined
We cannot compromise with grief
It’s directly proportional to the depth of our connections
That recognition terrifies me
I’ve been proven a fool
Safety and home in the energy of another can, After all… exist
The feeling is indescribable for me
I suppose it’s foreign
It’s cosmic
Both platonic and romantic
The longer I carry it,
The heavier it gets
12/13/2023
For a moment, the shame came up
I’m in an interesting place
Neither there,… nor here
Sometimes something holds a mirror up
And it reminds me,… wow
I’m using logic and intellectualizing
I’m teaching and consulting
My humanness showed
I felt it grab my wrist to pause me
I was moved by my patient’s story, yes
But specifically, their essence
Their drive to be something more
Even if they can’t describe what it could look like
Just knowing that grieving a life you never had can’t be all life is
It just can’t…
The words come out of my mouth
They slowly built on the canvas
The pause was realizing the canvas was a mirror
I am moved by myself…
There is a slight sting of shame
Worrying about how others may perceive my stories
And use it to measure my competence
Yet, there is also a sense of pride
I’ve done the work so that I could be moved
I am wounded
My stories are sad and full of pain
It’s for me to carry the grief of where I’ve been
I’m proud I’m beginning to choose to carry it as it is
As I am
All parts intact.
12/12/2023
The doors opened
Instantly I was overwhelmed by the height of the ceilings
I couldn’t process what I was looking at fast enough
The lights, the smells, warmth
I made my way up the imperial staircase
The walls were made of mirrors
I caught a glimpse of myself
I couldn’t look away
My dress, coat, and heels weren’t exorbitant
Others had brand name labels across their accessories
Bright and shiny jewelry
But I felt at peace with my reflection
My wild curls didn’t upset me
I felt beautiful…
I took in every moment
Each scene reminded me of why I’ve always felt so connected to this painter
She found color in her world
Maybe I can too
J.J.
Te quiero viejo gruñón.
Espero que estés descansando. Sabiendo que fuiste y eres amado por parte de tu familia Mexicana.
Este trago es pa’ ti.
Sé que me amabas en silencio… aunque no eras tan astuto.
Sé que estabas orgulloso de mi y querías ver qué más logro en esta vida.
Sigue mirando,tengo más para mostrarte amigo mío.
Hasta que nos encontremos de nuevo…
12/9/2023
This week I’ve noticed a change in the way my chest burns at the mention of his name
The burn is more of an ache
Perhaps I’ve become more acquainted with my grief
I could chose to stay angry about the betrayal and lack of honesty
I could decide I want retribution or revenge
None of this has appealed to me
And I believe it’s why there was nothing more to say…
I watch the faces of my loved ones twist with disgust
I observe how their speech becomes pressured and louder
Yet, I cannot find it in me
I picked this man
No one else but me
I made the conscious choice to gamble everything I had on him
I had unfortunate luck
And it was probably a poor choice to begin with
I’m attempting to learn all I can from it
It’s taught me the difference between having love for someone and being in love with someone
The fires that come from the state of being are far more consuming
It’s changed me, he’s changed me
But doesn’t everyone we meet?
The significance of the influence is still undetermined
I don’t think I’m ready and don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to gamble with so much of myself again
I haven’t decided if it’s all worth the risk to feel it all over again
Connecting with others has always been hard
There isn’t a line of potential suitors waiting so there’s no urgency
In the meantime, I’m working on the restoration of my forest
Giving it all that it needs to grow
Including patience… time
For now, I buy my own flowers to give the debris some color