1/15/2024

The tension roams deep within my chest

My hands are the only sign of what’s occurring beneath the surface

I plea for forgiveness

I suppose, from myself…

I think it’s fear but I’m unsure of what

Am I afraid to love what I soon may lose?

Am I still healing from this bruise?

My mind and body feel heavy

But they run restless this early morning

I’m desperate to find the cause

Then maybe, these demons will set me free

I’m afraid of the magic being gone

I think…

It may be harder to reach me now

I’m struggling to understand why

I might be afraid of never loving with fear again

The cost is high

But I suppose the ride is worth the risk

Something within me no longer moves

1/11/2024

I wish for someone to see me…

Carefully watch as my imagination gets the best of me

My mind is creative, you could say

Developing elaborate potentials of harm I struggle to keep away

It cultivates foreseeable threats

I refuse to add to my list of regrets

Sometimes it’s laced with the echoes of the past

All versions of Her, left aghast

Have patience as I find my way back

My world has been colored in black

Please

Just for tonight

1/7/2024

(EMDR Session)

“Let it go"

She says it over and over

I feel the tension of resistance

I’m holding my breath

I want to let it go

I’m telling myself to let it go, but I can’t…

There’s a part of me denying me access

Withholding permission

“I’m tired”, I tell her.

The fear moved down my spine

I notice the headache and pressure behind my left eye

The heat of violence builds between my legs…

A cramp attacks my left foot

The physical pain echoes pieces of a memory

I can’t

She helps me back as I rock and tap

I swear I’m trying, so hard

I’m doing my best

Please, please make it stop

When I can’t find the words.

“The type of girl you marry

I guess she’d be funny and smart

Just a tad bit competitive

As you both play mario kart

Smells like summer flowers

Maybe born in july or june

Always a little late

But you wish to see her soon

Good at taking notes

Her standards are pretty high

And she’s been through a lot

So her eyes have never been left dry

Wavy brown hair curled

Her laugh is kind of funny

Always too busy working for her own money

The type of girl you marry

First people don’t see her potential

Guys play with her heart

And find it too influential

She is a healer of sorts

Every heart but her own

And the type of girl you marry

Thought she’d end up alone

So she made the best of it

Happiness was self made

And the type of girl you marry

Will make you feel afraid

You don’t want to mess things up

You’ll feel that she can do better

And if you don't put in the work

You won’t end up together

The type of girl you marry

Is exceptionally kind

Way too understanding

And has a beautiful mind

You don’t meet her more than once

She will ultimately change your life

And the type of girl you marry

You better ask to be your wife”

“For you I would start running

Tie up my laces and just go

I would run and run and run

Until the best version of me

Is the only version of me you’ll ever get to know

I say you, on purpose

Because for me

That won’t ever be true

I’ve lived through every version

But not all will live with you

Not all will be obvious

Some I’ve hidden away

Some I taught to be quiet

Because I didn’t quiet like what they had to say

So some only write

Some still hate to read

Some look at me like I hold back

Some answer that they need

Maybe I do

But not out of hate

It’s because I don’t want to see them settle

Because they’re afraid of being too late

Afraid of love leaving

Love may decide to leave

Afraid of love staying

Love will become whatever you believe

Some versions of me are hidden

Stuffed away in an old drawer

I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of them

When I wasn’t like them anymore

For you I would open the drawer

No matter how painful it may be

Because I want you to love and admire every version

That has ever existed of me

For you I would love them harder

I would keep them safe

And unharmed

I would open the drawer slowly

So as to not cause them to be alarmed

I would speak to them softly

I would allow them to finally speak

I would unlearn every opinion that made me think that they were weak

Because for you I would stop running

I would learn to love the worst that I’ve been

For you I would step back

And let some lesser version of me get to win

The unlovable

The annoying

The too much way too soon

The met people in the morning

And of course scared them away by the afternoon

The stupid, the imposter

The doesn’t deserve to be

That wishes her heart away

For some future version

That’s me

The dramatic

The confusing

The always thinks she’s second best

The one who shakes from her anxiety

Who works until she’s forced to rest

For you I would start walking

Every version of me in hand

Then I would have to sit down

Because some versions I still can’t stand”

“In the past I was afraid of my potential

I know that’s a weird thing to say

But when things start to go well

I wanted to push them all away

I wrote, but I wasn’t a writer

I excelled in school, but I wasn’t smart

How could I have it so together

If I made everything fall apart?

Deep breath so I keep going

Future me what did you change?

And how did you become yourself?

If I’ve only ever felt strange

Well, how could I even answer?

I keep trying to be like you

Healing our inner child

Returning to the version that’s most true

Funny how things work out

We run, only to return

And some life lessons

I need to force you to learn

But not because I hate you

It’s because I adore you so much

And learning your brain is more intimate

Than someone’s touch

I return to those moments

That you felt so alone

Because I was there too

With experiences of my own

In the past I was afraid

Of who I would become

Because I only felt stuck

Like a shoe caught in gum

And now I run through field of opportunities

That you couldn’t imagine then

And if I could chose to be any one

I would chose being you again”

“I like being single

But if I chose not to be

Well lets just imagine

What it would be like to be loved by me

There would be books written about your laugh

Immortalized from the start

If you show me the worst parts of you

I’ll show you that they’re art

Blankets fresh out of the dryer

Wrapped around you in the cold

It’s a little bit intense

At least that’s what I’ve been told

Homemade birthday cake

I remember what you said

And a list in my phone

Will catch the thoughts, your favorites

That might have accidently fled

Books hand drawn

All of our memories put in one

It’s a lot of effort I guess

But it could be worth it

For someone’s son

Valentines day surprises

Take some stress off of your plate

For you I would be on time

Because love is never late

I would sing you to sleep

I would kiss you awake

I would treat you like the Christmas gift

That the New Year could never take

God, I would cook for you

I would help you clean

I would make your life easier

Until you wonder if it’s a dream

I would create beauty

I would help you succeed

I would be the kind of lover

That only exists in the romances people read

I would be there for you without you having to ask

I would be so intentional with each and every task

I would be your partner

I would be your best friend

I would be the favorite song that you keep repeating

So it doesn’t end

Maybe that’s why I like being single

I do all of that for me

And I don’t know if someone could do better…”

“I forgive you

But it’s over

I won’t put myself in that position again

You tried your best, maybe

But you didn’t apologize to me back then

Have you ever apologized?

I’m sorry I can’t recall

Because I went back to therapy

And you didn’t try to heal at all

I tired to be there

I tried to be your friend

That’s what you said that you wanted

But what you wanted was for us to end

But you didn’t say that

So I stuck around

And I’ve never been to the circus

But you made me a damn clown

Always available

No hard feelings, right?

You treat me like shit

Because you know I won’t fight

Not for you maybe

Not anymore

Because sitting in your waiting room sounds like a bore

Feels like a chore

A painful weight I don’t want to carry

You don’t want to date me

But I’m the girl that you do want to marry?

I’m sorry I’m confused

How does that make any sense

You want to cash in for dollars

But never work for thoughtful cents

You didn’t want me

This is what you chose

And I protected you

And now everybody in my life knows

You made fun of me for believing you were more

I tried to welcome you in

But you slammed the damn door

And God it was painful

My heart it was bruised

My ego, my trust

You made me feel used

You made me feel wanted

And then said, “Actually, nevermind”

You said that I was the best

And then better you went to find

And then you didn’t find it

Oof, big surprise!

Not because I’m the best

But because, you’re rooting for your own demise

By telling yourself lie

“I don’t deserve you”-this and that

You become what you believe

That’s why in your waiting room I sat

I waited, I stayed

That was the best that I could be

And then I chose to deserve better

Because I wanted more for me

So I forgive you

But it’s over

You didn’t deserve me anyway, right?

Because if it wasn’t clear enough already

For myself, and our happiness I will always fight”

Celia

1/4/2024

Why can’t I sleep?

Sleep is suppose to be an automatic thing

Yet, I struggle finding the switch to something that doesn’t even come with a switch

Tonight, the lonliness is amplified

It’s louder than the buzzing of the fridge and the cars below

It follows close behind

It moves in slow motion

Regardless, of how fast I run, it catches me

Surrounded by noise and people-yet so empty

There is this hole in me

That I know I’m never going to be able to fill

There isn’t anyone in the world who can

And it’s not a task for anyone to begin with

Not a task I can even complete

My screams echo back

Reminding me, there never was, is, nor will be

Solid ground here.

12/30/2023

The restlessness in my head has been intolerable today

Since last night…

I hate when it’s like this

The buzzing

It’s too loud…

There are no words or clear feelings

No clues or direction in how to ease it’s force

I want to find the words

I want to find the images

The thing that will get it to shut up

Make it stop

12/15/2023

Lately, the differences and levels of love have been of deep interest to me

At first, I was going to simply say that I miss you

Although, this isn’t a lie

It’s also not the whole truth

Do we love people like we love art?

Like a distant admirer?

Love it knowing we can never truly own it’s magic and forever live apart

I’m afraid, I must admit…

To give it air, to give it light

I’m conflicted

The forces are evenly balanced

I desire control and letting go

The other side of the coin wants to jump and fold

It seeks the depth of still waters

Regardless of danger

Knowing argues with feeling

I couldn’t explain it to anyone who couldn’t feel it

What it’s like to be seen

And not with their eyes…

To be touched by their words, more than other hands ever could

I don’t know when it happened

I couldn’t give you a specific date

It happened like any other flashback

But these moments, still images

They filled me

Love and grief are intertwined

We cannot compromise with grief

It’s directly proportional to the depth of our connections

That recognition terrifies me

I’ve been proven a fool

Safety and home in the energy of another can, After all… exist

The feeling is indescribable for me

I suppose it’s foreign

It’s cosmic

Both platonic and romantic

The longer I carry it,

The heavier it gets

12/13/2023

For a moment, the shame came up

I’m in an interesting place

Neither there,… nor here

Sometimes something holds a mirror up

And it reminds me,… wow

I’m using logic and intellectualizing

I’m teaching and consulting

My humanness showed

I felt it grab my wrist to pause me

I was moved by my client’s story, yes

But specifically, their essence

Their drive to be something more

Even if they can’t describe what it could look like

Just knowing that grieving a life you never had can’t be all life is

It just can’t…

The words come out of my mouth

They slowly built on the canvas

The pause was realizing the canvas was a mirror

I am moved by myself…

There is a slight sting of shame

Worrying about how others may perceive my stories

And use it to measure my competence

Yet, there is also a sense of pride

I’ve done the work so that I could be moved

I am wounded

My stories are sad and full of pain

It’s for me to carry the grief of where I’ve been

I’m proud I’m beginning to choose to carry it as it is

As I am

All parts intact.

12/12/2023

The doors opened

Instantly I was overwhelmed by the height of the ceilings

I couldn’t process what I was looking at fast enough

The lights, the smells, warmth

I made my way up the imperial staircase

The walls were made of mirrors

I caught a glimpse of myself

I couldn’t look away

My dress, coat, and heels weren’t exorbitant

Others had brand name labels across their accessories

Bright and shiny jewelry

But I felt at peace with my reflection

My wild curls didn’t upset me

I felt beautiful…

I took in every moment

Each scene reminded me of why I’ve always felt so connected to this painter

She found color in her world

Maybe I can too

J.J.

Te quiero viejo gruñón.

Espero que estés descansando. Sabiendo que fuiste y eres amado por parte de tu familia Mexicana.

Este trago es pa’ ti.

Sé que me amabas en silencio… aunque no eras tan astuto.

Sé que estabas orgulloso de mi y querías ver qué más logro en esta vida.

Sigue mirando,tengo más para mostrarte amigo mío.

Hasta que nos encontremos de nuevo…

12/9/2023

This week I’ve noticed a change in the way my chest burns at the mention of his name

The burn is more of an ache

Perhaps I’ve become more acquainted with my grief

I could chose to stay angry about the betrayal and lack of honesty

I could decide I want retribution or revenge

None of this has appealed to me

And I believe it’s why there was nothing more to say…

I watch the faces of my loved ones twist with disgust

I observe how their speech becomes pressured and louder

Yet, I cannot find it in me

I picked this man

No one else but me

I made the conscious choice to gamble everything I had on him

I had unfortunate luck

And it was probably a poor choice to begin with

I’m attempting to learn all I can from it

It’s taught me the difference between having love for someone and being in love with someone

The fires that come from the state of being are far more consuming

It’s changed me, he’s changed me

But doesn’t everyone we meet?

The significance of the influence is still undetermined

I don’t think I’m ready and don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to gamble with so much of myself again

I haven’t decided if it’s all worth the risk to feel it all over again

Connecting with others has always been hard

There isn’t a line of potential suitors waiting so there’s no urgency

In the meantime, I’m working on the restoration of my forest

Giving it all that it needs to grow

Including patience… time

For now, I buy my own flowers to give the debris some color

12/8/2023

I bought myself a bouquet of flowers

I use to intellectualize the idea of receiving flowers

“Is it because they feel they HAVE to?” “They’re just going to die in a week.” “How practical is this?”

It made me an easy girlfriend

I bought the flowers thinking, “Let’s see what the hype is about.”

I was surprised with how much I enjoyed them

Any time they were in my line of sight I’d admire them

I never missed a chance to smell them as I walked by

Man did they smell good

They lasted longer than I thought

Ultimately they brought me joy

Somewhere along the line I learned to value practicality over anything

Maybe I lacked the privilege of exploring desires

If it doesn’t contribute to my survival, it’s not worth it

I’m not worth it…

Somewhere along the line I learned to quiet my needs and desires

So much so, I couldn’t even imagine the hype

I’ve missed out on hundreds of bouquets

Or maybe not, because I also chose partners who couldn’t offer me this kind of joy

Or arguably didn’t want to

I’ve thought about this through the lens of heteronormative gender roles

And feminine versus masculine energies

I’m all for partnership, equality, and dismantling societal norms

So simply speaking for myself,

I have struggled with not being “lady-like” or “feminine enough”

But if I really think about it, I’m pretty proficient with some of these skills

I’ve cared for a partner when ill

Cooked and cleaned to ease a partner’s stress

I’ve given them as much time as they need to lay on my chest for comfort

Not once have I done it because of some societal expectation

In fact, because I’m so mindful of how restrictive and oppressive those perspectives can be I seek to be intentional

I do it because I can and want to

I can identify the ways I can contribute to my partner and I make sure they feel it

I can also take the lead and plan a whole date

I can take care of the bill and even drive us to the restaurant

I can initiate sex

And entertain more than a few cocktails with you

All again, because I can and want to

Up until now I haven’t thought about my partners in this way

I’m more focused on how I can contribute to them

A partner who gifts me flowers is now a non-negotiable

While I’m at it, so is a partner who opens doors for me

Not because I’m entitled

And not because I can’t open my own doors

Or clearly, buy my own flowers

But because a partner who can and wants to is of a different caliber

I’m not entitled to this caliber of a partner

But I’m worthy of one

A partner who wants to contribute to me is sexy

I have no grievances with treating my partner like a man

But, the new standard is, I want him to treat me like a woman

12/7/2023 Our Stories

Because of my past- my stories

I have this constant drive to prove to others… and myself

That I can overcome

It’s this reflex to prove that I am made of steel

I’ve spent a lot of time running away from these stories

And locking away the ones I can’t seem to outrun…

As I become more integrated, I struggle accepting reality

Fearing I won’t be believed

Fearing I will be believed

As I shift the weight of them…

It becomes more apparent that these stories do in fact make me harder to relate to

A feeling, I can’t outrun

I seek escape in art, in thought

Striving to find the humor or the light of darkness

I’m called to it

I suppose there’s a part of me that knows there is comfort and safety in his words

The mirror I find in the timeline leads me to seek another escape…

For a split second I become aware of how quickly he can find me

12/5/2023

I don’t know where to air this out

Finding the words is challenging

It’s isolating

I’ve been experiencing what I can best describe as “social anxiety”

It’s nothing I’ve ever had challenges with

Lately, it’s something I’ve noticed around peers

I’m aware that my self-concept creates a narrative of “not belonging”

I work to check it

To give myself grace and time

“I’m new, I’m still learning, I’m in training”

But it’s not going away…

And I’m beginning to think it won’t go away

The differences…

I struggle relating, connecting, making friends…

I’m ashamed to admit I struggle making friends with peers…

My peers don’t feel like peers

I’ve been lonely all my life

I’m sat with the feeling to explore why this is so bothersome

I guess, part of me was hoping this loneliness and disconnection was due to not finding my “clique”

And this is it, right?

So, I no longer can justify this experience

I don’t know how to joke with them

I pretend laugh

I struggle to find things in common

I hate that all conversations remain as small talk

It’s awkward

Feels like no one gets my personality

I feel I’m playing dress up

Like no one in the room truly believes I’m a peer

The only thing in common we seem to have is picking the same profession

Humor has been my best tool

Not just with my survival but in dealing with trivial things like small talk

It feels like I’m speaking a different language

No one finds me funny

Why is everything so serious?

Maybe I’ve been fortune enough to get by without “social anxiety”

And I’m now struggling to deal with something so new to me

No matter how many different rooms I fight to get in…

I’m still,… alone

12/8/2023

There are four camps based on 4 schools of thought.

The first, Sigmund Freud- the people in this camp seek pleasure and comfort.

The second, Alfred Adler- in this camp, people seek gratification through hardwork forgoing comfort and pleasure.

The third, Carl Jung- the people in this camp seek meaning above all else.

The forth, seek the beauty in this world- truth. These people will forgo all else for the Truth…

Truth above all else is at the core of everything I’ve ever sought out…

11/29/2023

The darkness has followed me all my life

I've concealed it behind locked doors

Hoping the rust doesn't spread to the armor

Darkness makes light of the truth

They pass through

Stealing parts of my soul I can't regenerate

Evil is left in the wake of their destruction

It's Evil...

That's what lies beneath the surface

That's what I've locked away behind hidden exhibits

They've branded me

Carved parts of themselves into my roots

Poison, I can't extract

The Evil ends when I do...

Seeking safety in myself heightens my awareness

Leads me to unlock doors

and jump into wells

Leads me to connect with destruction

I connect with the danger

With the unpredictability of it all

It's out of control

This part of me is fearless

It's fueled by rage and grief

It pays no mind to the pain and suffering of itself

Nor of others

It is relentless destruction

It's inept at holding values and morals

I fear all the things I know I'm capable of

Knowing I could pay it forward ten folds

There's no warmth here

I'd leave ruins behind

I’m cursed

Forever damned to worry about the consequences of my touch

11/27/2023

I think there will always be a rotten part of me

A part I can’t quite connect to

Neither can anyone else

I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to keep it from spreading

Liar

I can watch myself detach from the world around me

I still miss moments

I find myself attempting to gather up previous shots that never even developed

The increased awareness connects the cord

I zone in on the grip,

Follow it down a well

Here, is where you find the poison

Here, is the part of me that has rotten

The twisted up anger and despair expand and contract

It lives…

It’s all lies

That’s the dream and the fear

Nothing ever was what it seemed

Secrets hid in the shadows

After hours, in the silence of my screams

Truths at the tip of my tongue, ready to launch

But held back by teeth

I’ve always been a good listener, great observer

I watch the different versions play around me

Changing their hues from scene to scene

My soul roams from space to space

Seeking something real

Something to attach to

Connect with…

Survival has always been about catching the lie. This game doesn’t send you back to your last saved spot. You guess wrong, you die. I fear lies, liars…

They’re not safe… They’re dangerous. Unpredictable and out of control.

This, this is why my mind isn’t safe

I’m the collector

Collector of stories I hide within me

Deep in a well

So ask me if I’m fine

I’m a liar

11/14/2023

Someone’s tampered with the volume

The muscles in my face are harder to command

My hands can’t connect with anything

Not even each other

I catch myself gazing through objects

Hoping I develop x-ray vision

Anything that helps me find the molecules making up the world around me

Then I can reassure myself it’s real

That I’m real…

I come back to find myself in fragments of routines

Moving with distinct direction but lacking purpose

I reach for the drive

For the anger I know fueling it

I attempt to sift through the sounds

The noises hold me in place

The buzzing of the fluorescent lights linger all day

At night the buzzing intensifies

Louder and louder it goes…

Until it’s current enters my body to take hold of my soul

I’m unreachable

I will do anything to get away